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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28948800">Life as She Knew it</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quilser/pseuds/Quilser'>Quilser</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>BLACKPINK (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Chaelisa - Freeform, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Gay Panic, Pining, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:00:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>32,781</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28948800</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quilser/pseuds/Quilser</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It had been easy enough to start, to lean in, to press her lips against those of the girl before her. Little did she know that would set off a chain reaction of events leading to her being naked in the same bed with her bestfriend in Paris.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lalisa Manoban | Lisa/Park Chaeyoung | Rosé</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>295</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She breathed in deep as it hit her. The crushing wave of knowing; truly knowing, that this was the final moment of her life as she knew it.</p><p>The stage ascended and Chaeyoung was met with overwhelming noise. The screams of fans seemed to penetrate her in a wave that rocked her whole body. The lights blinded her while she adjusted to them and her heart raced so fast she thought she might faint. All she could do was breathe. So she did.</p><p>With every breath her heart slowed and she was left with this buzzing that made her want to spin around until she felt like she was floating. She was floating, wasn’t she? She couldn’t be sure, but she figured this was as close as it got. As the subtle countdown started in her ear, signaling her that the first song was about to begin, she raised the microphone to her lips and she sang.</p><p>God did she sing. </p><p>She released every ounce of air from her lungs and every note travelled through the stadium with the same dizzying feeling of flight that she had. High above the ground, she imagined the way the words danced. The way they grabbed at every fan present in the stadium and shook them awake with the jarring notion that they were alive and this moment would forever be memorialized in their minds in flashing lights and warm nostalgia. Like an embrace from a loved one welcoming them home, this moment would metastasis into blissful euphoria, forever.</p><p>Chaeyoung hoped that much at least. It’d be unfair for this moment to carry on in her in such a way and not persist the same for everyone she was sharing it with, afterall.</p><p>That hadn’t been the first time Chaeyoung was sure she’d had a life altering moment though.  </p><p>The earliest she could recall was back when she wrote her first song. It had been a silly little thing that she would’ve been embarrassed to claim at this age, but she’d felt it then. The same sensation took over her body like a jolt of electricity had been triggered and she was certain nothing would ever be the same. </p><p>Her song had been about a crush. Oh how certain she was that she fell in love wholeheartedly with the boy who happened to run into her as she walked in the halls between classes. Looking back, Chaeyoung knew that the thought of forever hadn’t crossed his mind as he barely apologized before scurrying off to catch his friends who promptly chastised him, but the embarrassed look that Chaeyoung saw on his face, she decided, was the most adorable look she’d ever seen.</p><p>Perhaps that had been a mild over exaggeration, but it had prompted her to put pen to paper and tentative fingers to guitar strings and with every thrum of a chord, Chaeyoung was certain that she couldn’t imagine herself doing anything else.</p><p>She’d found her passion; how lucky she felt to have done so, so soon.</p><p>The next time she’d felt it, the pounding of music blared over head too. It was a common theme she’d found in these moments. Her members stood breathless beside her in posed positions while they waited for the beat to fade out. This had been their first serious evaluation as a group.</p><p>As Chaeyoung stared at their trainers, trying to keep the sweat from dripping into her eyes while her limbs threatened to give out, she’d felt it then. Her heart seemed to thump in her ears louder than the music and that same buzzing overcame her with ferocity. Some might call it adrenaline, and they wouldn’t be wrong, but this was more and Chaeyoung knew it. Her gut told her that this was the moment. This was the time when everything would fall into place and she would escape the endless carnival game of being a trainee where losing seemed evermore likely as time passed on. This was her group. She knew it then and there, whether the trainers were aware or not.</p><p>She’d eaten dinner with the girls that night. At first, dinner went as per usual. Laughing and joking and complaining about how they all ached from the grueling day, but then things shifted. The girls began analysing their performance from earlier.</p><p>Jennie quietly apologized for being a bit off beat in the choreo for the second verse. She’d been right on time as far as Chaeyoung was concerned.</p><p>Jisoo agreed that she should have pushed harder to sustain her note in the ending chorus. Chaeyoung couldn’t remember anything wrong with the jaw-dropping note Jisoo had managed to produce.</p><p>Lisa choked up as she said she wished she could’ve danced harder for everyone, to prove that they belonged together as a group. Chaeyoung simply couldn’t understand.</p><p>“You were perfect.”</p><p>Chaeyoung’s hand clasped onto Lisa’s before she had a chance to think. Making dead eye contact she said those words with no hesitation, no wavering of opinion or doubt to be found. Lisa stared back at her seemingly ready to cry but quickly found the support of the other two girls at the table as she was enveloped in a group hug.</p><p>She cried regardless.</p><p>It had been about 6 months since that first concert. Chaeyoung thought of it warmly as the night air in Paris blew her hair to the side. She heard the patio door open behind her and saw that it was Lisa who had come to join her. </p><p>In silence, Lisa came to lean against the balcony alongside Chaeyoung and while a word wasn’t spoken, Chaeyoung felt indescribably warm. </p><p>The lights before them shined brightly while the streets below seemed hushed from their position so high up. It felt isolating in the most wonderful way; a way that only someone followed by cameras could truly appreciate and Chaeyoung couldn’t help but think that it was all so beautiful. </p><p>Chaeyoung looked to Lisa, to see if she too was enjoying the wonder of the view, but before a word could leave her lips, Chaeyoung’s voice seemed to float away from her like it had at their first concert. This was somehow different though. Instead of floating, it felt as though the words had been forcibly ripped from her being. The sensation of choking overtook her but it wasn’t something a simple cough could fix.</p><p>As she stared at Lisa, Chaeyoung was overcome with the person beside her. Lisa’s face was illuminated by the lights Chaeyoung had thought were so pretty. Now though, now they caressed every subtle arch of cheekbone and sharp edge of jaw that graced Lisa's features. Like a fireplace in a winter cabin, Lisa suddenly became the only source of warmth Chaeyoung could feel.</p><p>With every gust of wind, Chaeyoung felt herself drawn to Lisa like a moth to a flame and it took everything in her not to reach out and brush her fingers across the length of Lisa’s face just to see if it was as warm as she imagined it to be.</p><p>Lisa’s lips seemed to twist into a subtle smile as a laugh escaped her easily. Her head tilted back slightly and Chaeyoung felt as her chest tightened with a suspended breath.</p><p>Lisa laughed and Chaeyoung saw her breathe in the ecstasy of it all. The simplicity of being where they were and the excitement in the air circled Lisa in one large embrace. It pulled her in and magnified it’s light for her.</p><p>Chaeyoung felt as her heart stopped. </p><p>Her gut screamed at her while the world seemed to narrow in size. All that existed, all that had ever existed stood right in front of her in giggling perfection.</p><p>“Perfect.” </p><p>The word left in hushed tones over Chaeyoung’s lips and she almost had not recognized it as her own voice.</p><p>Lisa stopped laughing and turned her head to face Chaeyoung. A confused look accompanied her stare but Chaeyoung couldn’t have repeated herself even if she’d wanted to.</p><p>In that soundless moment of tunnel vision where not even her heart made a sound, Chaeyoung was forced to accept her new reality in an instant. </p><p>This was the final moment of her life as she knew it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Alrighty so if you're coming having already read the drabble I wrote, apologizes that this is the exact same thing reposted. I am posting chapter 1 in addition to this though so at least the story gets a move on. Just a few quick things, I will be trying my best to keep this somewhat canonical, however for the sake of plot there might be some inconsistencies. Also, I'm going to try and update on a weekly basis. I'm shooting for every Saturday/Sunday so please bare with me. Otherwise, I hope you guys enjoy this little pet project of mine and embrace the tragic pining of one Park Chaeyoung.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Regret</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Chaeyoung wished she could take it all back. At least, that's what she kept telling herself.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Her regret was palpable.</p>
<p>With a weight to its sheer existence, that regret pronounced itself in the heaviness that settled on her chest and the sickening feeling of nerves rolling in her stomach. Chaeyoung couldn’t be more upset with herself.</p>
<p>In some ways that wasn’t true though. In some ways, her decision to move in slowly, so <em>slowly</em> and cup Lisa’s cheek with an unsteady hand was something she didn’t want to take back for a second; much less regret.</p>
<p>And yet.</p>
<p>Chae sat staring at the lights that danced on the ceiling from the still open patio door and the outside world that carried on beyond it. While she felt as though she was moving in slow motion, the world continually ruptured her tranquility to remind her that it would slow down for no one and she couldn’t reverse time.</p>
<p>She couldn’t change it no matter how hard she tried.</p>
<p>It felt suffocating.</p>
<p>How had the sudden culmination of a crush she’d never recognized prior devolved into her best friend sleeping naked beside her in a hotel room in Paris?</p>
<p>Chae almost had to hold back a laugh as she comprehended the absurdity of it all. The thoughts wouldn’t stop running through her head though.</p>
<p>It’d been so gentle at first. A tender hand, a breath between each kiss as if a pinch threatened to wake her back up to reality, everything had been ideal. But soft lips had turned to harsh bites and gentle touches turned to roaming hands and Chae wished she could say she hated it.</p>
<p>She wished it so much that the dream almost took a life of its own.</p>
<p>The shiver tickling down her spin and the heat that still dusted her skin left her with the unsettling understanding that whatever had just happened had been something she enjoyed though.</p>
<p>No. She couldn’t deal with this right now. It was just too much.</p>
<p>That’s when she felt it. Those same hands and the tingle of her skin shook her back to the reality of Lisa curling in her direction. Her arm was outstretched as if begging Chae to reach out and hold on for dear life.</p>
<p>Chae could feel herself memorizing the details of Lisa’s face without meaning too. She was ingraining the soft whispers of air as they left Lisa’s lips and taking in the exact way the sheets draped over her body to reveal enough to tantalize the eye but keep most from view.</p>
<p>Every second that passed felt like a millennia had flown by in an instant, but there was the world again.</p>
<p>Glaring at her from its place of superiority, the world caught up once more and ripped the moment away from Chaeyoung with so little as Lisa turning away from her. Lisa’s back stood as a grave reminder that this really meant nothing.</p>
<p>She couldn’t be here anymore. <em>‘Anywhere but here’ </em>she decided.</p>
<p>Being careful not to jostle the sleeping source of her current predicament, Chae gathered herself out of bed and moved in the direction of the front door; picking up her discarded clothing as she walked. For the first time that evening, she was thankful for the light entering the room that had been so bothersome prior.</p>
<p>With one last feigned look at Lisa, Chae found her feet still.</p>
<p>Lisa looked so peaceful like this. Chae could spend hours taking her in, but something told her that her heart could only take so much. This was fast and rough and senseless. This wasn’t something to expect more from.</p>
<p>The thought stung and set Chae up with a new vigor to breathe open air as far away from the hotel room as possible.</p>
<p>Perhaps that’s how she found herself on a bench taking in the rippling water of the Seine as the lights and sky illuminated off of it. She felt comfort in that. The reflection made her feel seen despite how small she truly felt. It was a welcomed recognition when she felt like she didn’t even know herself anymore.</p>
<p>It was almost enough to draw her from her thoughts.</p>
<p>Almost.</p>
<p>It had been a simple slip. The word had grazed over her lips and remained stagnant in the air despite Chae’s best attempts to conceal it.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Perfect.”</em>
</p>
<p>Lisa had noticed, and the look on her face said too much.</p>
<p>“What was that?” A smirk gracing Lisa’s lips.</p>
<p>Looking back, Chae thinks it was the chuckle that escaped alongside Lisa’s words that emboldened her. Was she being mocked? Her pride wouldn’t allow that.</p>
<p>“You heard me.” Chae said with an eye roll.</p>
<p>Turning away from Lisa, partially to hold her ground and partially to hide the blush climbing up her neck, Chae almost succeeded in her diversion before Lisa spoke again.</p>
<p>“No. I don’t think I did.” It came with Lisa taking a step closer and pushing into Chae’s already limited space. “Say it again.”</p>
<p>Everything screamed at her to run yet she remained perfectly still. The notion of crossing the subtle line drawn in the sand stood as too great a threat to ignore.</p>
<p>So instead, she turned to look Lisa in the eyes.</p>
<p>She’d meant to speak. She’d even thought of what to say, but no words came out. All that moved was her hand as it reached out towards Lisa’s cheek. Her thumb carefully brushed against Lisa’s delicate features and she couldn’t help but admire the strength they normally portrayed contrasting with the softness that she could feel against her fingertips.</p>
<p>Lisa seemed taken back for a moment. She quickly realigned herself though and it was with that projection of stability, that way Lisa acted as though she was preparing herself for what was to come that convinced Chae to move.</p>
<p>She hadn’t noticed what she’d done until she’d felt the soft hum against her mouth and hands found their way onto her waist. Her arms draped onto Lisa’s shoulders and she felt herself get pulled into that same orbit she’d felt from earlier, only this time she’d truly collided.</p>
<p>Chaeyoung could feel as Lisa began to grab at her back, practically massaging her into nothingness with each squeeze. In return, Chae weaved her fingers delicately into Lisa’s hair. A switch seemed to flip with that.</p>
<p>Chae felt Lisa push her backwards into the hotel room. The realization that they were in full display to anyone who happened to look up became all too real as a louder group of people walked beneath them.</p>
<p>Once they made it inside though, Chae wasted no time in finding the hem of Lisa’s shirt and tugging at it before Lisa moved her arms to take it off.</p>
<p>It was at that moment that their eyes met. Lisa’s were blown with telltale signs of temptation. Want radiated off her like a perfume and Chae was yet again pulled into her; the feeling of her own desires finally catching up to her.</p>
<p>Little time passed before Chae laid shirtless before Lisa. Lisa’s lips kissing down her neck as Chae fell onto the bed behind her.</p>
<p>At some point their hands collided and fingers intertwined but somehow that felt too intimate. Thinking back on it, their lips hadn’t met after that.</p>
<p>Even as Lisa’s mouth directed it’s attention to other things, Chae couldn’t help but crave the feeling of the younger girl’s lips pressed against hers. The feeling was muddied at times, but remained like a dull ache in the back of her mind.</p>
<p>When Chae flipped them and went in to kiss Lisa once more, Lisa had turned her head perfectly as though she were dodging. Chae tried to ignore it, but the idea ate away at her now that she wasn’t swimming in the middle of it all.</p>
<p>Now that the smell of Lisa wasn’t overcoming her senses and the tastes weren’t creating new memories in her brain, she was able to take it all in at once.</p>
<p>The lack of intimacy despite their otherwise compromised positions guided Chae towards a thought she hadn’t wanted to consider.</p>
<p>This wasn’t anything more than a hookup for Lisa.</p>
<p>Chae was aware that Lisa had been known to, on occasion, relieve tension in more intimate ways than her other members. It wasn’t irrational to think that she could’ve fallen prey to a mere whim of Lisa’s that left them sprawled out in the same bed, chasing after the same breath.</p>
<p>Chae felt her throat burn. The unwelcomed feeling of bile filled her throat at the thought of being nothing more than a stress reliever.</p>
<p>Why she hadn’t realized sooner she wasn’t sure, but the feelings rupturing in her chest were a clear enough indicator that Chaeyoung had wanted the sex to mean more.</p>
<p>She could be wrong though. It had just been a mere slip of words after all; a whisper into the grand unknown that Lisa had happened to hear.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Perfect.”</em>
</p>
<p>Surely that could just be a word and not an implication of something greater, right?</p>
<p>Trying to convince herself of this was easier said than done.</p>
<p>With every justification Chae’s mind drifted to how her eyes lingered on Lisa after every dance practice and how she’d always turn to see if she was laughing at any joke she made.</p>
<p>She remembered the way she’d felt her heart skip a beat during their concerts whenever Lisa sang. She’d chosen to attribute it to exhaustion then.</p>
<p>Perhaps the most damning evidence was how she’d agonized one night over how she’d introduce Lisa to her parents whenever they got to meet one day. The strong desire to introduce her more so than the other members said enough.</p>
<p>Chae couldn’t believe how stupid she’d been.</p>
<p>She remained certain of one thing though. She couldn’t fathom the idea of never getting to feel Lisa against her skin ever again. The thought that she’d never get to feel the warmth of every breath and the singe of every kiss, much less that someone else would get to feel it in her stead made her want to scream into the quiet nothingness of the night.</p>
<p>Of course, wanting Lisa didn’t do much when all they were now were two friends who had been too friendly, too close, too intimate. But if all Lisa wanted was a stress relief, maybe Chae could make that work. Maybe she could be what Lisa wanted even if Lisa didn’t want her the same way. Being wanted in some regard was better than not being wanted at all.</p>
<p>That was the logic that Chae based her decision on. Friends with benefits wasn’t the worst idea ever.</p>
<p>She could manage it. She could bear it. She could.</p>
<p>Even if it destroyed her.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So this is the first real part of this story. Hope everyone enjoyed a bit of a foundational chapter as to how the whole FWB thing got started between our two main characters here. There will be about a 6 month or so time jump in the next chapter, but I felt like it was important to add this bit just to see a valid transition between a simple comment from last chapter all the way to them sleeping together regularly. Anyway, please tell me what you think and let me know if there is anything you're excited for or anything I could improve on. Either way though, I hope you enjoyed and are excited for what is to come.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Staring Back at You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I'm breaking schedule already, but I've been really excited writing this story so I wanted to share it as soon as I could and I've pretty much been sitting on/proofing this chapter since I wrote the prologue sooooo here's a gift? The chapter and the rest of the story are about a 6 month time jump from the prologue and chapter 1 btw. Also, I highly recommend listening to Damage by H.E.R at the part of the story where it mentions Lisa clicking a song on. That's the music I wrote the scene to and I think it fits really well. Anyway. I hope you all enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Why can’t we be done yet?” Jennie let out an exasperated sigh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Something’s still missing.” Lisa responded back working through the steps of their newest choreo and rolling her eyes when she got stuck on the same section. “We need to add something right here.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m with Jennie. We’ve been doing this for hours and haven’t gotten anywhere.” Jisoo crouched against the wall bringing a water bottle up to her lips. “What more could we even do?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m telling you–” Lisa once again ran through the motions, trying out a few different combinations to see which one fit the best, seeming frustrated when none worked like she wanted. “We’re missing something.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well do you want to tell us when you figure that out? Because I think it looks fine.” Jennie squated next to Jisoo, stealing her water much to Jisoo’s disapproval.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It could look better though.” Lisa grunted.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie sighed before speaking. “Rosie, any thoughts?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was only then that Chaeyoung realized she’d been watching the interaction from the safety of the speakers blaring the music she’d somewhat grown to detest in the last few hours.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What?” Chae’s confusion was evident as she spoke.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ideas? Miracle choreography? Magical genie to grant my wish of going home.” Jennie shot a look towards Lisa with her final words. “Anything at this point.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae pondered on the thought for a moment. The song itself wasn’t expected to be one of their bigger hits according to the marketing meeting they’d been forced to attend days prior. As such, no official choreographer had been hired to make the dance leaving much of the stress of crafting the piece on the girls.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa, of course, took it as a personal challenge.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They’d been working for the better part of 3 studio sessions to piece together something that looked nice and matched the song and today was meant to be their final day of work before presenting to upper management.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae agreed that what they had was good, but it would be lying to say they couldn’t do better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh, you and Jisoo can head out and Lisa and I can finish things up? We’ll just show it to you tomorrow since it’ll only be a few steps anyway.” Chae looked at Lisa for approval and seeing a small shrug glanced back at her other members.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie leapt up with a sudden burst of energy before clapping her hands together. “That’s the best idea I’ve heard all day.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gathering her things in a rush and even pushing Jisoo towards the door, Jennie waved a quick goodbye as if she were worried Lisa might change her mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae was happy to hear a distant good luck from her disappearing bandmates before all went silent again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t think she’s been that happy in weeks.” Lisa said with a chuckle.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I can’t blame her. We have been working on this forever.” Chae joined Lisa in front of the floor-to-ceiling mirrors. “And it does look pretty good.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey! I thought you were on my side.” A fake pout pouring onto Lisa’s face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae had to swallow the urge to call Lisa cute.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I am. I am.” Chae started running through the motions of the choreography on her own to see if she had any grand ideas. “But I don’t want to be here all night either.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ugh, I know. I justーI know there’s something more we could do in this part for that wow factor, you know? We just need to find it.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The fire in Lisa’s eyes was endearing. Wherever dance was concerned, she always put her all. It made all the grueling hours worth it when Chae got to watch Lisa light up everytime the group did something just right.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you mind if I just freestyle for a bit? See what feels right?” Lisa folded her hands pleadingly as if Chae could’ve said no in the first place.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chaeyoung nodded her head and ventured off to the back wall to get some water for herself. Lisa clicked through a few songs on the computer before landing on one and going back to her place in the center of the dance floor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The soft hums of the song began playing and Chae swore she was going to regret ever agreeing to stay in this practice room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa shook out some of her jitters before quickly moving in a wave to start the song. A burst of power escaped her with a single step before she began to flow with the music once more. Each step sent Lisa spinning around the practice room in graceful elegance with a power and seductiveness Chae found intrinsic to anything Lisa did.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe she was biased.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With a flip of her hair, Lisa’s hands began trailing down her abdomen before landing on her thighs which parted as she lowered herself towards the ground.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In the blink of an eye, Lisa was skimming the floor in a perfect arch that left little to the imagination as she carefully shook her hips when she’d made it fully down. With another beat, Lisa turned herself onto her back and rolled her hips into the air to the bass of the song. Chae could feel herself swallow, hoping that the noise was masked by the song despite how loud it had been in her ears.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Swinging her legs around to place her in an upright position, Lisa began to run her hands from the top of her head down her frame before landing on the floor in front of her. From there she pushed up and slowly came back to her feet, Chae’s eyes following the line of her long legs up into the curve of her back like a lure.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After another pass of the chorus, Lisa’s moves began to resemble much more tame actions as opposed to the jaw dropping floor work from moments prior. If Chae didn’t know any better, she’d have assumed she imagined everything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If only her face could have hidden that she’d been staring in awe the whole time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa caught her eyes in the mirror and it was only at that moment that Chae looked towards her own reflection. Her skin was reddening and her lips sat parted in a small ‘o’. Lisa seemed to be especially intrigued by that and began walking over in Chaeyoung’s direction.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When finally in front of her, Lisa extended a hand to get Chae up from her sitting position and walked her slowly towards the center of the room where she’d been dancing, the music seeming to reach a second crescendo.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa moved behind Chae and began rolling her hips against her; Chae instinctively copied the movement. Despite her best attempts, she caught eyes with Lisa and a cheshire like smile came across the other girl’s lips.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That’s when Chaeyoung felt two hands glide onto her hips while Lisa pressed into her from behind. Looking into the mirror, the younger girl’s face turned towards Chae’s ear and before she could react, she felt a nip on her earlobe.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Closing her eyes, Chae leaned back into Lisa, allowing the other girl’s hand to rise up and cup one of her breasts while the other circled her waist locking her into place. Still grinding against one another, Lisa’s lips began trailing down Chae’s neck leaving open mouthed kisses down onto her shoulder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If Chaeyoung had been thinking straight, she might’ve been more concerned with how she’d hide the already splotchy bruises decorating her neck, but as the hand around her waist drifted downwards, suddenly the only thought in her mind was how she really wished she wasn’t so clothed at the moment.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa seemed to have heard that thought out loud.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Adept fingers pulled Chae’s pants down just enough to slip beneath the band of her underwear and with an abrupt chill from Lisa’s fingers meeting Chaeyoung’s hot center, a soft mewl escaped Chae’s lips directly into Lisa’s ear which earned her a sharp bite to the shoulder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa smiled against Chae’s shoulder. “Was watching me that good?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Shut <em> up </em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not another word was spoken as Lisa’s fingers began circling Chae’s most sensitive part before inching towards her entrance at a painfully slow tempo. With a few more gentle strokes, Lisa’s fingers were entering her. As Chae tightened around them, a scream began to itch it’s way out of her throat only for it to be muffled by Lisa’s hand just in time. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It took an embarrassingly short amount of time before Chae was close to her own crescendo and as she rode Lisa’s hand she couldn’t help but glance at them in the mirror.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With one hand still covering her mouth, Lisa stood as a pillar behind Chae with her lips pressed to Chaeyoung’s shoulder. Her other hand could be seen moving past the barrier of Chae’s clothing while Chae’s own arms had found their way over her head to the back of Lisa’s neck; essentially keeping both of them hooked into one another, unable to part or escape the spiral of lust they’d started.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seeing all that was enough to topple Chaeyoung over the edge though and without meaning to, she bit into Lisa’s hand in an attempt to silence the name playing on her lips. Her being unwilling to boost Lisa’s ego anymore by screaming out her name. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>As Chae came down from her high, Lisa released her grip from the other girl slightly so that Chaeyoung could turn around in her arms. Chae’s hands that had been on Lisa’s neck instead moved to her shoulders and with a confidence she only found in herself on stage or in moments like these, she began pushing Lisa down to her knees.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Lisa was where she wanted her, Chae joined her on the floor but only to push her to lie on her back so that Chae could settle between her legs. Meeting Lisa’s eyes for a moment, Chae found the familiar hunger she’d grown accustomed to from Lisa in the past few months. Despite how it made her heart ache in some ways, Chae pushed that down and instead settled on showing Lisa attention in the only way she could.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Parted lips found supple skin and hands moved beneath an already dishelived shirt to reveal muscles that tightened up with every graze of a finger. Chae bit her lip as she looked back up at Lisa who seemed to have her eyes stuck to the girl above her. Sensing that she was needed as much as she needed Lisa moments prior, Chae began moving south, kissing and sucking her way down Lisa’s torso with hums of appreciation mixed with impatience dancing in the air. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Deciding to tease Lisa as payback for the dance she’d had to sit quietly through, Chae skipped over Lisa’s most sensitive area and instead focused her attention on Lisa’s thighs, inching painfully closer to where Lisa wanted her but never close enough.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With another bite onto sensitive skin, Chae felt a needy hand tangle itself in her hair attempting to direct her towards the heat radiating from Lisa. Smirking to herself, Chae pulled down Lisa’s pants to reveal soaked underwear which only boosted her morale.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Peering up with hooded eyes, Chae spoke in the same tone that Lisa had earlier. “Was watching me that good?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa grunted only to train her eyes onto Chae which Chae used to her advantage to grip the band of Lisa’s underwear between her teeth and pull them down without breaking eye contact for even a moment.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa’s eyes rolled back as she let her head rest on the dance room floor again which Chae took as her signal to continue.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Burying her nose in the scent of Lisa, Chae took a few shallow licks before latching her mouth onto the bundle of nerves pulsing with every motion. Lisa let out a deep breath before rolling her hips up into Chae’s mouth.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae’s hands found their way onto Lisa’s thighs and squeezed lightly before one hand moved to Lisa’s entrance while Chae continued her assault on Lisa’s clit. With a roll of her tongue, Chae let her fingers slide into Lisa, meeting little resistance as they entered, and began to pump into Lisa as the girl beneath her rolled her hips even faster hoping for more friction.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not long after, Lisa came, her back arched with a closed-mouthed shriek clambering to be released. Chae ate up every bit of it while licking Lisa clean. Once she finished cleaning up the mess, Chae began kissing her way back up Lisa’s torso until finding herself face to face with the girl still wriggling from her intense pleasure. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Looking down at her, Chae wanted nothing more than to kiss the parted lips before her. With Lisa’s eyes still closed it’d be easy enough. The thought of Lisa tasting herself caused a fresh heat to run towards Chae’s core, but she shook it off and instead rolled herself to Lisa’s side to allow the girl to come down from her high in her own time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kissing just wasn’t something they did. Nor was cuddling once the deed was done.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Those were just the rules. Unspoken as they might be, both girls followed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It kept things simple.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At least, that’s what Chae forced herself to think. If she focused on it too long, the idea stung a bit too much and that was something she had to avoid.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A few more minutes passed before Lisa grew quieter and her breathing steadied out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well. I don’t think we can do that on stage.” A laugh escaped her while she continued to even out her breaths.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Eh, who knows. A lot more people would probably buy tickets.” Chae laughed at her own remark and soon Lisa did too. The sounds filling the air standing in stark contrast to what had just occurred. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’d be doing YG a favor.” Chae laughed out a little harder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa smiled, her words still breathy. “In more ways than one if he got to see all that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Reflexively, Chae sent a slap onto Lisa’s arm to which the other girl yelped at, her own hand going to massage the tender skin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There it was though. The central idea behind all of this. The sex was only an excuse for innuendo, never for real conversation. A stress relief, a pass time. It meant nothing and Chae’s smile began to fall from her lips at the idea once more. No matter how much she tried to erase the thought from her mind, it always managed to slip back in and bring her back to the cruel reality of her relationship with Lisa.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was torture.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa sat up and began adjusting her clothing before walking over to the computer that Chae hadn’t realized was still playing the song that had caused all this. With a sigh as it was turned off, Chae began pieceing herself back together and picking herself off the floor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As she glanced at herself in the mirror, the image of Lisa behind her, hand hidden below her waistband with her own eyes barely open, flashed through her mind. Yet, all she saw staring back at her was a girl with bruises riding down her neck and legs that still wobbled a bit as she adjusted her weight.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If not for how common such an appearance had become, Chae would swear she didn’t recognize herself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae was brought back from her thoughts as Lisa’s voice filled the room. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ve got it!” Chae turned in Lisa’s direction while running a hand through her hair with a questioning look. “The move we should add.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa’s face was brightened with a smile as bright as the sun and Chae smiled back, begging her heart not to grow anymore attached to the beautiful face before her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The ceiling above her had become a friend to Chaeyoung in the passing months. When the lights of the world went out, it was all that seemed to provide any comfort to her. A place to throw her gaze and her thoughts without fear of judgement was what it provided, and tonight like any other, Chae was grateful for its presence.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Most days when her and Lisa messed around, she could erase it from her mind besides the slight reminiscence of heat that smeared itself against Chae’s skin. Today, though, had been different.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She hadn’t thought of kissing Lisa in a long time. Thinking on it, she hadn’t kissed Lisa in all the months they’d been fucking, but she’d been able to ignore all that until now. Something about today drew the desire out of her though.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe it was the way Lisa’s hand remained tangled in her hair even as she climbed her body with open mouthed kisses. Or maybe it was the waves that rocked Lisa every few seconds after she came that made her look so attractive. Maybe it was just being there, in that kind of moment with her again, the taste of her lingering on Chae’s lips and Chae wanting to taste more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae couldn’t help but agonize over the possibilities.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That definitely wasn’t going to get her to sleep, though. With her bed suddenly feeling a bit too cold, Chae found herself swinging her legs over the edge and padding towards her bedroom door in hopes of finding something to induce sleep in the kitchen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Walking towards the kitchen, Chae noticed that a light seemed to be illuminating from that direction almost as if someone had the same idea as her about a late night distraction. Upon closer investigation, the same brown haired girl plaguing her thoughts now had her back facing her at the kitchen island.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Can’t sleep?” Lisa jumped slightly at Chae’s words leaving a smile on Chae’s lips as she opened the fridge.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa let out an exasperated sigh. “You scared the crap out of me.” A hand going to cover her heart dramatically while she laid her phone down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Apologies for not trying to wake up everyone in the apartment.” Still staring into the fridge, Chae gave up seeing that her mind was no longer on food.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Still.” Lisa settled more into her chair. “What are you doing up anyway?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae paused. “Just nervous about the presentation for everybody tomorrow, I guess.” It was a lie.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“God, don’t even <em> remind </em> me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What about you.” Chae rested her elbows on the counter, chin in hand.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Just a bit tense. We’ve been practicing so much this week, you know? And I haven’t had much time to relax.” A brief pause halted in the air before the corner of Lisa’s lips perked up. “You were a great help today though. In more ways than one.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With an attempt to wink, Lisa seemed to turn her neck in a way that pulled on one of those more tensed muscles she was speaking of. Lisa’s hand immediately reached up to rub at the area causing her pain.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Knock it off” Chae sighed as she rounded the island. “Let me actually help.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As Chae’s hands reached for Lisa’s neck, Lisa was quick to shoo her off. “I’m fine, really. Just need some rest.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae looked in disbelief. “What’s your deal? It’s probably a bit of my fault anyways.” Chae once again spoke while attempting to reach Lisa’s neck.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae spoke under her breath. “Not like the floor is great for neck pain.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That seemed to keep Lisa distracted enough for Chae to finally grab hold of her neck and begin massaging the tense areas. Tentatively, Chae kneaded at every knot she could find which happened to be more than she’d expected. A concern lingering in the back of her mind for the younger girl having pushed herself to this point before showing any signs of pain.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ignoring her own worry though, Chae continued to rub out as much tension as she could before landing on the same area that seemed to have given Lisa away in the first place. Being mindful that it might be more sensitive, Chae took extra care to release the muscles that tried to fight against her in hopes of bringing Lisa some form of relief.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was then that a quiet moan of approval escaped Lisa’s lips.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It hung in the air between them for a while, long enough for Chaeyoung to really take in the sound. It wasn’t like it was the first time she’d heard Lisa moan thanks to something she was doing, but this had felt like a different sound altogether. This sounded like genuine appreciation, if not outright content coming from the girl who was still allowing her to work her shoulders.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae was happy to be behind Lisa as it left the small smile on her face a secret she could keep to herself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As she continued to rub Lisa’s shoulder, Chae’s heart filled with warmth. In an instant she realized it was what she’d truly been chasing after when she’d left her room. She’d hoped that some food or drink would fill the hole in her that she didn’t like giving a name to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>To be precise, that name would probably be Lisa. Chae couldn’t admit that to herself too often though.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If she did, she risked feeling too much from moments like this when she began to feel Lisa melt into her. Only to be broken in moments like this when Lisa started getting up in a hurry and...wait, <em> what </em>?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are you trying to remove my head or something.” Lisa said with a laugh as she rubbed at the sides of her neck. “I thought you were trying to kill me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae stood in utter confusion. She was certain that she’d been gentle. And Lisa seemed to be feeling better moments ago, but here she was practically reprimanding her for a job poorly done? It just didn’t make sense.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh, sorry. I wasn’t trying to. Really.” Chae spoke with disbelief lacing her words. “It didn’t help at all? I thought I could at least -”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey don’t worry about it.” Lisa quickly brushed her off. “I’m just gonna get some sleep. I’m sure I’ll feel better in the morning anyway.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae glanced after Lisa as she began to walk away, still unable to move as she took in her surroundings. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Night.” She weakly let out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Without a response she was left in the void of her thoughts; the familiar feeling of that insatiable hole welling up inside her once more.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Alright! First real chapter of interaction between Lisa and Rosie complete. I hope the dynamic they have going on shines through a bit more in this chapter and gives a peak at their characters unlike the first 2 parts. I'm pretty sure this story is only going to be around 11 or 12 chapters, but I'm trying to write them to the best of my ability. I also hope the smut stuff wasn't too cringey as I feel it serves a purpose in a story like this beyond the act itself. It's definitely difficult to write though after so much time, but I like the way it turned out. I'd love to hear you guys thoughts on the story thus far, but otherwise. See you in the next chapter!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. What was I Supposed to do</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Welcome back to chapter 3 of this little concoction of mine. Hope everyone is excited as in this chapter I try to flesh out the relationship Chae and the other members have so we get some fun Chaennie convo and Jisoo is there being her usual, wonderful self. (I'm actually borderline obsessed with Jennie in this story and love writing her dialogue so much oml) Please enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It wasn’t often that Chaeyoung got mornings like these.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thanks to her rather sleepless night, Chaeyoung had found herself wandering around the living room earlier than any schedule they had for the day. A clouded mind fueled her restlessness.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thankfully, Jennie appeared as though a savior to unsavory thoughts and offered that they head to a nearby café before any of the other members woke up and their day truly began. Chae had always enjoyed the portrayal of normalcy that Jennie tried to create despite their status as celebrities. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Staring across the table at Jennie who took sips of her coffee between swiping through her phone, a smile played on Chae’s lips. The sun coming through the window was a welcomed reminder that perhaps the day could be a little brighter than the one before it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re zoning out.” Jennie’s voice protruded into Chae’s inner monologue despite her eyes not leaving her phone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m not zoni–” Chae attempted to feign innocence. “I’m just tired.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie scoffed. “You’re not tired. They’re tired.” Her head nodding off in the direction of their managers a few tables away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae took a sip of her drink while trying to muster the right words to explain her distracted state.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Seriously. What’s up with you?” Jennie’s phone was quickly forgotten as her concern grew. “You’re rarely up this early, much less in the mood for a coffee run.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are you ok?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The words rattled Chae slightly. It’d been a while since anyone had asked her that question and she wasn’t quite sure what the appropriate answer would be. To lie would only invite getting caught, but to tell the truth would warrant questions she couldn’t fathom answering.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She settled for a shrug.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie rolled her eyes. “Fine then. Let’s talk about <em> my </em>problems.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae couldn’t be happier with that decision.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You would not believe how difficult it’s been to date lately after that whole Kai thing got exposed last year. I swear, the managers have been up my ass ever since like I’m gonna sleep with anything with a pulse.” Chae was starting to think her luck might be the absolute worst in the world.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie took a sip of her drink before slamming it on the table with enough force to get the attention of one of the more awake managers.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Seriously! If I so much as look at someone at an award show, it’s like they have a full blown intervention.” Leaning in slightly and dropping her voice to a whisper. “A girl has <em> needs </em>, you know?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae shrugged again, still wondering how her attempt to forget about her own sexual misfortunes led to Jennie ranting about hers.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, I guess you don’t get it. You get laid all the time.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae choked on her drink.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What are you talking about?” Chae’s voice now dropped just above a whisper.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie looked back in confusion. “Umm, what are <em> you </em> talking about?” Jennie grinned. “Our walls aren’t sound proof, you know?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae flushed in an instant, her mind unable to construct any words.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie raised an eyebrow. “Did you really think we didn’t know? Jisoo and I have been taking bets on when you guys were gonna tell us.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You <em> knew </em>?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We established that.” Jennie’s drink coming up to reach her lips again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae’s mind was spinning. She’d never thought much about the other members finding out about her and Lisa’s less than savory passtime, but maybe they should’ve been more careful. How many times had they been in one of their rooms together only for Jennie and Jisoo to be listening in the living room? Chae’s hand reached up to give her aching head support at the thought.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seeing Chae’s distress Jennie decided to speak up once more. “Don’t get the wrong idea. We don’t make a habit of listening to you guys go at it or anything. Though it has led to quite a few late night trips to the convenience store…” Jennie’s mind seemed to drift off into that thought.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh my god, I–” Chae’s voice hung in her throat. “I had no idea.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie looked back towards her only to chuckle lightly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No need to be sorry. I’m glad you guys are together. So is Jisoo. We just figured you’d tell us when you were ready.” Jennie’s hand extended to meet Chae’s that was still on the table.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chaeyoung let the words resonate with her for a moment. <em> ‘Together’ </em> wasn’t at all what Lisa and her were, at least not in the sense that Jennie was implying.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’re not together.” She muttered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie’s eyes widened at that. They weren’t accusatory, a fact Chae couldn’t be more thankful for, but her confusion was evident. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not together? So….what exactly are you two calling it?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh, I guess it’s more of a friends with benefits sort of thing.” Clasping her drink with both hands, Chae looked down as she spoke. “We’ve never really talked about it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em> Oh </em>. Got it.” A pause occurred before Jennie exploded with another thought.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wait! You’re telling me that you two just sleep together, no relationship, no commitment, and you don’t have to worry about the managers?” Chae was quick to throw Jennie a pleading look to lower her voice. Jennie waved an apology in return. “Sorry. But seriously. What have I been doing this whole time if <em> that’s </em>an option?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae couldn’t help but laugh. She wished it were that simple. On paper, her and Lisa would be the ideal solution to their hectic lives and yet she couldn’t keep herself from growing more attached to the girl and complicating things. Granted, she couldn’t exactly admit that to Jennie.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah. I guess it’s pretty nice.” Chae found herself shrugging again as the last of her laughter died off. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Pretty nice?” Jennie scoffed. “I’m gonna start propositioning people at this rate.” Jennie’s voice changed to a mocking tone. “<em> ‘Hey. You want to sleep with me? You know. Noncommitmentally?’ </em>”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chaeyoung found herself laughing once more. Some part of her was surprised Jennie was taking all this so well. While she’d never really worried about the others being weird about her sexuality in general, her and Lisa’s situation wasn’t exactly normal. Having someone she could talk to about it with, if only partially, didn’t seem like such a terrible idea.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You have to tell me though. Is she any good? She must be, right? If you keep coming back for more?” A slap landed on Jennie’s hand which caused her to burst out laughing much to the confusion of the managers. “Seriously though, you have to tell me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I do–” Lowering her voice even further. “I do not have to tell you anymore about my sex life than you already, <em> regretablly, </em> know about.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie raised her hands up in surrender before a suggestive grin plastered onto her face. “So….the practice room yesterday…?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I hate you.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie’s lips turned up in a smile as she tried to contain an even louder laugh than before as Chaeyoung tried to hide her embarrassment. The sun was now up and as it shined through the window, Chae was happy that the unpleasant chill that’d been encompassing her body since the day prior, was becoming a distant discomfort.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>* * *</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before Chae knew it, morning coffee was finished and she was being ushered into a van to pick up the rest of the girls for a short interview before they were meant to present the dance that her and Lisa had managed to finish up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Having not slept more than an hour, Chae immediately started to slip away with the gentle rocking of the van lulling her to sleep. Her blissful rest was quickly ruined though as the two other members joined Jennie and her and decided that “quiet” just wasn’t something they were going to be today.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So did you guys finish the dance?” Jisoo was the first to speak up after they’d all gotten settled into their seats. She sat next to Chae in the back which made her voice even more intrusive to Chae’s attempts at sleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa turned to give a quick thumbs up. “Yep. All finished. You guys are gonna love it.” Chae smiled to herself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I swear. If you guys made a dance that only you look good doing, I’ll kill you.” Jennie jokingly said towards Lisa.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A beat hung in the air before Lisa responded. “But how could I make someone as gorgeous as you look bad?” A groan at Lisa’s cheesy remark imminated from Jennie while Lisa chuckled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey. What about me?” It was Jisoo’s turn to question Lisa’s claim.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Unnie. You’re on your own.” It took a second before Jisoo caught on, but Chae soon felt the entire backseat jerk forward as Jisoo attempted to swat at Lisa who just continued laughing, this time in tandem with Jennie.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With a quick ride and even quicker hair and makeup session, Chae found herself in front of at least 4 cameras with a smile she’d been trained to wear. If anything, interviews like this were when she felt the most calm. She’d done nothing but prepare for them for the last few years of her life. They came as easily as breathing at this point.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The questions were given to them beforehand so they were rarely surprised, and they could always look towards their managers for guidance if they fell off course. It allowed Chae’s mind to relax which she was grateful for after thinking in circles all night.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was a welcomed break.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That break didn’t last long though as the girls were quickly shuffled to the company building to practice and then perform their new choreo. That gave Chae significantly more anxiety.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re really on a different level of cheesy today Lisa.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae really needed to stop zoning out of conversations only to be dragged back into them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa feigned hurt. “I have <em> no idea </em> what you’re talking about.” Jennie followed with an eye roll.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Too much.” Jisoo said in English while waving her hand dismissively. That got the whole van laughing sans Lisa who continued to act shocked.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“All I did was speak the truth. They asked what my style would be if I were a guy and I said Jennie.” Leaning into Jennie’s direction, Lisa placed a finger under the older girl’s chin. “Can you blame me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As Jennie pushed Lisa’s hand off her chin, Chae couldn’t help but think back to the interview. She hadn’t even remembered a question like that being asked, much less answered by Lisa in such a way. Her autopilot mode must have been a bit too strong when coupled with exhaustion.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Those questions were a dime a dozen though, so she wasn’t surprised that one got tossed to their already extroverted maknae. The interviewers were no doubt hoping to get something funny to work with and that’s what she provided. Nothing more to it really. This was their job after all. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae snuggled back into her seat with that thought, deciding that getting as much sleep between now and their next schedule was the best course of action. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After her much needed nap, Chae found herself being jostled awake by Jisoo who was rushing her to get out seeing that they’d been stopped for a while. With grogginess still hovering over her like a cloud, Chae followed Jisoo out of the van and into the company building, thankful that no cameras were there to document her freshly woken face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Upon entering the practice building, the girls were ushered to change before being led to the practice room where their manager informed them that they had about an hour before they needed to perform so they should make any last minute changes that they needed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The girls all nodded in understanding before being left to their own devices. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa clapped her hands together to grab attention. “Alrighty. Let’s get this practice session started.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With Lisa in front to direct everyone, the girl’s began to work through the song with the moves that Lisa and Chae had added. When Lisa initially ran through it they’d all clapped and even Jennie had admitted that they’d been right to put something else in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That seemed to spark a fever of ego in Lisa who started walking the girls through the steps like it was her own personal dance class and she was the instructor. No one corrected her knowing that she was just proud of what she’d accomplished.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ok, Jennie. I think you’re still a bit behind. Can you show me one more time?” Jennie nodded with determination before running through moves in question again only to receive a shake of disapproval from Lisa. “No no, your hips are supposed to be more like <em> ‘pop’, ‘pop’, ‘pop’ </em>.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>This time Lisa moved to show Jennie the moves who still had trouble putting it together.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t know why I’m not getting this.” Jennie still attempted to run through the motions as she spoke. “It’s not even that hard.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s just because we’ve been doing it differently up until now. Here, I’ll help you.” Walking behind Jennie, Lisa began moving in the mirror for Jennie to copy. Jisoo and Chae decided to step off to the side as to not be in the way, but Chae couldn’t help but look on in intrigue as the two practiced before her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’ve almost got it, you just need toー” Lisa shook her head as if doubting her own ability to explain. “I’ll just show you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With that, Lisa’s hands found their way onto Jennie’s waist and with a snug hold began moving her to the beat of the song. Chae’s mind couldn’t help but picture the similar position she’d been in with Lisa before. The thought had heat bubbling in her stomach but she ignored it and continued to look on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As she watched, she noticed that Jennie did seem to be getting the moves, but Lisa also seemed to be moving in closer until finally, the two were pressed together and moving as one entity. The image caused a flash of displeasure to cross Chae’s face, but she managed to hide it and continue watching on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You got it!” Lisa exclaimed as the music came to a close. Her position quickly turned into a back hug as her arms circled Jennie’s waist. Jennie leaned back in a laugh, oblivious to the anger rising in Chaeyoung at the sight before her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was unreasonable to be upset. She knew that. But it didn’t stop the feeling from boiling inside of her. It only got worse as she saw Lisa lean down to whisper something into Jennie’s ear. This sent Jennie recoiling and getting out of Lisa’s embrace only to turn around and smack her shoulder playfully before turning towards Chae and Jisoo.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Guys. Lisa is a total perv. Do you know what she just said to me?” Chae wanted desperately for Jennie not to reveal the answer. “She said, <em> ‘Now just imagine me behind you whenever you dance like that and you’ll be perfect.’ </em>”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo started laughing hysterically while Lisa held a smug look as though she couldn’t be more content with herself. Chaeyoung wanted to wipe that look off her face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As Jennie came to sit down next to Chae, Lisa and Jisoo joined and while Chae tried to conceal it, she was certain that if someone looked closely enough they’d see steam coming out of her ears. Try as she may, the idea of Lisa talking like that with anyone else in the same dance room they’d been so close in hours before made her want to hit something. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seeing as she couldn’t do that, Chae settled on staring daggers into the floor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Their performance for the executives went well except for Chae being hyper aware of every interaction Lisa threw Jennie’s way. A hand-heart here and a kissy face there, just little things that left Chae even more aggravated by the end of the performance.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She was almost too angry to be happy that the executives had given them the all-clear on using that choreo for the song which would’ve been a huge accomplishment if not for the fact that all Chae was thinking about was how Jennie had been the first person Lisa had gone to hug. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She was being ridiculous. She didn’t own Lisa, nor was she owed anything by her, but damn if this didn’t feel a bit personal at this point.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As they walked back to the practice room to grab their things before heading out, Chae knew she wasn’t going to be able to smother her anger any longer as she watched Lisa link hands with Jennie and swing them down the hallway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Out of all the things Lisa had done so far, that was probably the least intense, but it was the ease of it that got to Chaeyoung. The fact that Lisa didn’t think twice before grabbing onto Jennie’s hand and showing that display of affection openly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae was jealous.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was no other word for it, but that didn’t mean she had to keep it to herself. At least not completely.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When the group finally entered the practice room, Chae was quick to walk up to Lisa and spin her around by the wrist to be facing her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa held a surprised gaze on her face as Chae attempted to sound a little less pissed than she was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Can I get your help for a sec?” Her words were said through a forced smile, but if Lisa noticed she didn’t say anything and simply followed as Chae dragged her out of the practice room and down the hall away from prying eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In retrospect, it was a little embarrassing that Chaeyoung knew the exact location of an unlocked storage closet thanks to one of her and Lisa’s escapades from earlier months, but as she pushed Lisa into the now closed door, she was thankful that they had this little space away from the world.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As Lisa collided with the wood of the door, a gasp left her parted lips and Chae wasted no time in stripping her of her shirt and focusing in on her chest. A desire to fill it full of bites and bruises overcame Chae. Any indicator that Lisa and her were something more than friends would suffice, even if Chae preferred the most possessive option.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“AhーRosie…” Lisa’s voice trailed off in reaction as Chae’s teeth sunk into her collarbone. Chae decided she liked the sound of her name coming out of Lisa’s mouth.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Knowing what she wanted to do, Chae pushed Lisa’s bra up enough to gain access to the excited nubs underneath. Standing at attention, Chae took one into her mouth and let her teeth graze against it before her tongue passed over to ease the skin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa let out a short gasp but otherwise remained silent as though she were challenging Chae to get a stronger response. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chaeyoung wasn’t one to turn away from a challenge.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Trailing her hand down Lisa’s stomach with her mouth still latched on to Lisa’s breast, Chae timed her movements so that just as she bit onto Lisa’s nipple she cupped Lisa’s sex over her underwear. Pressing her fingers against Lisa’s entrance, she heard a soft moan pour into her ear. Lisa’s hands quickly found their way around Chae’s neck as if Lisa were trying to stabilize herself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Letting go of Lisa’s breast, Chae kissed her way up Lisa’s neck before finding her pulse point. Taking a moment to kiss at the skin, she continued to press her fingers against Lisa, teasing the girl enough for her to be worked up but not nearly satisfied.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Pleaseー” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa’s plea sounded like music to Chae’s ears and with one fluid movement, Chae moved to have her mouth directly next to Lisa’s ear while her thigh pressed against the hand still dangerously close to where Lisa wanted her most.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“...It’s gonna take more than that…” Lisa sighed before attempting to roll her hips towards Chae. Angered, Chae used her free hand to push Lisa’s hips against the door, hearing an audible thud as they collided with the wood. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Rosie...please.” Lisa sounded almost desperate. Chae had to suppress the smirk threatening to form on her face as she closed in on Lisa’s ear once more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Say it again.” Chae punctuated her remark with another press of her fingers against Lisa’s clothed entrance. “Say my name again.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em> Rosie. </em>” Chae could feel as Lisa turned her head in her direction. Leaning back, Chae locked eyes with her before a smile spread across her face. If not for their current circumstance, the expression might’ve been described as innocent, but with a swift finger pulling Lisa’s underwear to the side allowing her other fingers to plunge into her entrance, Lisa’s eyes clamped shut unable to see anything except the few specks of light fading into the darkness behind her lids.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae watched in awe of the expression on Lisa’s face. Lisa’s mouth desperately attempting to hold in sounds that would give them away in an instant while her hands told a completely different story as they pulled Chae into her neck. Being mindful that bruises couldn’t be as easily hidden here as on Lisa’s chest, Chae resorted to kissing gently which stood in contrast to how fast her hand was moving within Lisa’s core.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a few minutes, Chae could feel the way Lisa began to clamp down around her fingers and knew that she was close. Leaning up to her ear one last time, Chae spoke barely above a whisper.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Say my <em> name </em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That’s all it took before Lisa was clasping onto the back of Chae’s neck with a strangled breath escaping her throat. If Chae listened close enough, she was certain she heard the syllables of her name slip out between gasps for air. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae let Lisa ride out her orgasm on her hand and when she finally felt the other girl fully supporting herself again, she removed her hand from Lisa only to bring it to her lips.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Looking at Lisa who was still barely recovered from her orgasm moments before, Chae dipped a single finger into her mouth before sucking the essence of Lisa off of it. Had this been any other occasion, Chae probably would’ve been overcome with the taste of the girl before her, but this was to prove a point.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa’s eyes widened at the action despite her body still reeling. Knowing she had her full attention, Chae carefully cleaned off each finger, sucking each digit gently into her mouth for Lisa to see.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When she finished, Chae wiped off the rest of her hand on a loose towel before being pulled in by Lisa.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“When did you get so possessive?” The word flagged something in Chae’s mind. Despite the same word having flown around her thoughts a few times during the act, coming from Lisa’s mouth seemed to make it too real. The idea of it crossed the line they’d drawn in the sand that defined their concept of intimacy. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>You can’t be possessive over a fuck buddy. But that’s exactly what Chae was doing; giving herself away, revealing the secret. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She’d screwed up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why don’t you let me return the favor.” Lisa’s flipped their positions so that now Chae was the one with her back to the door. Chae desperately searched for an out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I think I’m good.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was a remark that stunned both of the girls, but Chae was careful to hide her expression. Pushing Lisa away, Chae turned and opened the door, excusing herself from the dark room and into the openness of the hallway before walking back towards the practice room. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not hearing footsteps behind her, Chae figured she’d left Lisa dishelived enough that it would take a few minutes for her to collect herself before she’d follow. After all, Chae hadn’t fucked her that good for her to be able to walk away so easily.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>While the heat between Chae’s legs stood as an uncomfortable punishment for leaving early, Chae felt that her anger had slid off her like a wet jacket as soon as she’d opened the door. Maybe she couldn’t be possessive over Lisa; she knew she didn’t have the right. But what she could do was remind her why they’d been doing this for months as opposed to one of the one-night flings Lisa used to partake in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taking a deep breath, Chae continued her walk towards the practice room feeling calmer than she had in days; even if she did have to make a quick detour into an empty bathroom before joining her members.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Soooo the smut in this one definitely went in a direction I hadn't planned for.....hope everyone enjoyed reading....that. On a different note, I'm really excited to release chapter 4 because this chapter sets it up pretty nicely and while I hope to have it out around the middle of this upcoming week, I do have some real life things that might delay me. But it'll definitely be up by next weekend! I'd love to hear how you guys are feeling about this story or things you liked. It's a really big motivator knowing that other people enjoy this story as much as I do. I think that's about all I have to say though, so I'll see you next time!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Making Myself Sick About It</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I wasn't planning on posting this today as I'm still not done with chapter 5, but I really like how this chapter turned out and thought I'd share it with you guys. I will warn, the next chapter might not be out this weekend. I'll do my best but I don't want to give you guys subpar work either so please bare with me. As far as this chapter though, I highly recommend reading with Two by Sleeping at Last playing. It works really well for one particular scene in this chapter, but it's a beautiful song overall and has a really nice vibe when paired with this chapter, in my opinion. I hope everyone enjoys! (Also, slight puking trigger warning. It's not heavily described or anything but I don't want anyone getting uncomfortable)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It had been nearly two weeks since they’d had a genuine conversation. While Chae was firm in her resolve to not be the first to break, the look she was receiving from Jennie at the moment almost made her relent.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I swear if you don’t go talk to her I’m going to lock you two in a room until you fuck or figure it out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae’s ears began to burn red at the thought of that, but even more so at the embarrassment of Jennie saying it so loudly in their living room. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Could you keep your voice down?” Chae spoke in an angered whisper.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jennie rolled her eyes as she leaned into her place on the opposing couch to Chae. “Maybe I’m trying to be loud. Maybe if </span>
  <em>
    <span>somebody</span>
  </em>
  <span> hears me they’ll listen.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae opened her mouth to speak, but quickly shut it upon hearing footsteps approaching them. A wash of relief came over her when Jisoo appeared from around the corner.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Have you convinced her to talk to Lisa yet?” Jisoo deadpanned as she took a seat next to Jennie.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You told her?” Chae threw a displeased glance towards Jennie who promptly ignored her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Trying, but no luck. She’s being stubborn and won’t even tell me what happened.” Jennie’s words were punctuated with an unimpressed gaze towards Chae. Chae tuned her eyes on the ceiling hoping for some mystic comfort to overtake her body and get her out of this increasingly uncomfortable situation.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So what did happen?” Jisoo apparently wasn’t in the ‘wasting time’ mood today.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae let out a sigh before turning her eyes back towards the duo who seemed intent on interrogating her. “It’s not important. I just don’t feel like dealing with her right now.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jisoo gave Jennie a look Chae couldn’t quite decipher. “No one is asking you to </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘deal with her’</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Jisoo emphasized her words. “We want you to talk to her. Like a friend. Which, last time I checked you too still are, no?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jisoo was always annoying when she made a point.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We are, and friends fight. We’re just fighting. It’s nothing.” Chae tried to convince even herself with her words.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jisoo didn’t seem to like her answer. “It’s been two weeks. Figure it out.” She got up and began moving towards the kitchen once she finished speaking. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s been a week and a half!” A dismissive wave was thrown over Jisoo’s shoulder at Chae’s remark leaving Chae to lean her head back against the couch in frustration.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Seriously Rosie. You need to get it together before I’m forced to fix it for you.” Though her words sounded like a threat, Chae could hear the concern in Jennie’s voice.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae knew they were right. She had felt herself purposefully drawing away from Lisa whenever she was around. At first, it had just been instinctual with how upset she’d been, but soon it started feeling more purposeful.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Everytime Lisa walked into a room, Chae would do her best to find a convenient excuse to leave. Whenever Lisa would propose an idea during practice or studio sessions, Chae wouldn’t so much as throw her a glance. Lately, Lisa had even begun trying to start random conversations with Chae only to receive shortened responses and limited eye contact. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As bad as it sounded, it felt good that Lisa was scrambling for Chae’s attention.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If Chae looked past her short-sighted goals though, she felt bad for treating Lisa the way she was. But everytime she considered apologizing, she was reminded of how Lisa was only being like this because she was no longer getting what she wanted. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If sex was a commodity, Chae had effectively cut off Lisa’s supply.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The longer it went on though, the more Chae knew she was risking Lisa looking somewhere else and that thought upset her all over again leading to one big cycle of self-doubt and anger. It certainly wasn’t helping anyone, but Chae would be damned before she let Lisa off so easy. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A ring of their doorbell startled Chae. Watching Jisoo walk over to the call box, quick words were exchanged before Chae realized it was one of their managers. As Jisoo let them into the dorm, Chae rose to her feet and bowed slightly alongside Jennie and Jisoo. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Seeing that the manager wasn’t moving into the apartment further, Chae figured at least one of the girls would be heading out to do something. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know today was supposed to be a day off for you guys but it looks like the agency wants two of you to film a bit for the documentary. Any takers?” The manager awkwardly scratched at their neck as if sensing how annoyed the girls were at the prospect of willingly handing over their first down time in months. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Lisa and Rosie would love to go.” The smile on Jennie’s face embraced every word that came from her lips, leaving a sly pride dripping off of them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Whipping her head in Jennie’s direction, Chae tried to understand why she’d say something like that only to realize that Jennie’s version of </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘fixing things’</span>
  </em>
  <span> had begun sooner than she’d expected.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I second that. Take them.” Jisoo’s voice interjected into the mix of anxiety in the air as though condemning Chae to life in prison.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, okay. Great! I’ll see you at the van in 10. Wear something nice. They’ll do your hair and makeup onsite.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Seeming pleased that the situation had been tied up nicely, the manager disappeared behind their front door leaving Chae in the presence of two girls she was sincerely thinking of murdering.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You guys are the worst.” Chae let out in disbelief.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jisoo and Jennie did nothing but laugh. “I’ll get Lisa.” Jisoo practically skipped down the hallway as she spoke.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re doing this for your own good.” Jennie walked to Chae’s side and gave her a firm pat on the back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae only sighed and mustered the most menacing voice she could. “I’m seriously gonna hurt you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jennie chuckled. “Love you too.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jennie’s arms wrapped around Chaeyoung’s frame before she planted a kiss on her cheek and ventured off down the hallway in the same direction as Jisoo.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>* * *</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To say the car ride was awkward would be a grave understatement. Despite music playing softly from the radio, it seemed masked by the heavy silence that sat between the two girls. Chae figured that Lisa might try to talk to her as she had the past few days, but she hadn’t even met her eyes since they’d left the dorm.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae was beginning to think she might’ve taken things too far.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sneaking a glance at the girl sitting beside her, Chae saw that Lisa’s eyes were trained to the passing scenery outside. Her body only moved with the vibrations of the car and otherwise remained stoic as though she were a statue and not a human being. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was strange for Lisa who normally existed as a ball of pure chaotic energy.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Peeling her eyes away, Chae looked towards the window as well, her mind swelling with thoughts. The most prominent being different ideas about how she could fix the mess she’d caused.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The girls sat in silence for the rest of the way before being rushed to hair and makeup so that filming could get underway. The area chosen seemed pretty desolate compared to most of Seoul. Chae hadn’t noticed how far they’d drive from the city’s center while she’d been lost in thought. While shops lined the street with Chae even seeing a couple food stalls, few people were around and even fewer seemed to be inside the shops themselves. It was surprisingly tranquil.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright girls. We’re going to give you a hand-cam so you can film yourselves and then we’ll follow at a distance with the actual cameras. We’ll mic you a bit later, but for now just have fun so we can have some b-roll footage, alright?” The producer rambled off, but Chae couldn’t seem to make it past the notion of </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘fun’</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Normally, being set loose in a fairly uncrowded part of town with her best friend would be exactly what she’d call fun, but seeing that Lisa seemed more interested in her hands than in Chae, Chae had a suspicious inkling that today wouldn’t be anything but.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Regardless, both girls nodded and were suggested to stop for ice cream first by their manager who handed them some cash, noting that they should try and amp up the fanservice for this portion of the documentary. Chae figured that it’d be impressive if they talked at all, much less provided fanservice. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once on their own, Chae couldn’t help but notice that Lisa kept a few steps in front or behind her, as though walking at her side was forbidden. Even as they entered the ice cream parlor, Lisa allowed Chae to look over the options before taking a look for herself, notably, only once Chae had stepped back so they wouldn’t have to be too close.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When time came to order, Lisa’s voice sounded so small it almost wasn’t there. The person in front of Chae wasn’t acting like the Lisa she knew at all. After taking a seat outside, Chae knew she had to do something when Lisa didn’t even bring her spoon to her lips, instead choosing to shift the ice cream around in her cup. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You should eat that before it melts.” Lisa’s head jerked up at the sound of Chae’s voice. Peering at her, Chae could swear that Lisa hung on the resonance of her voice, as though begging her to speak again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae chuckled to herself. “Yah, eat it!” Reaching for Lisa’s spoon, Chae took a scoop and brought it to Lisa’s mouth expectantly. After a pause, Lisa opened her mouth and accepted Chae’s offering.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They both stilled in their positions. Spoon in Chae’s hand and Lisa’s mouth, connecting them in a way that would probably be comical if not for how Chae could feel herself shaking. Letting go of the spoon, Chae’s hands fell into her lap followed by her eyes. After stilling herself, another laugh escaped her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hearing the sound of what she assumed was Lisa removing the spoon from between her lips, Chae mustered up enough courage to stare at the girl opposite her. “Is it ok if I apologize now? I know I’ve been awful lately, but can we just have fun today?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was a crappy apology, Chae knew it, but the way Lisa’s eyes seemed to light up as a small smile appeared on her lips told her that it maybe, just maybe, it was enough for the moment.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Only if you give me some of yours.” Following the line of Lisa’s now pointed finger, Chae landed on her own cup of ice cream sitting before her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Widening her eyes in fake surprise, “That’s asking too much.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Lisa started laughing before hesitating, as though contemplating her next move. As Chae looked on in confusion, her hands couldn’t react fast enough as Lisa grabbed for her cup and managed to get it out of reach.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Guess it’s mine now.” Lisa looked way too pleased with herself as she took a bite of Chae’s ice cream before her face turned up in disgust. “Ew, what is this?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mine! Is what it is.” Chae grabbed her ice cream back before both girls erupted in a fit of laughter. As the laughter died out, the smiles remained on each of their faces and an easy conversation began between the pair as if this hadn’t been the most they’d spoken in weeks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The day went on much like that. Them walking through different shops, smiling and talking about nothing in particular and in a lot of ways it felt like a return to form. Instead of an uneasy tension hanging between them, they were finally acting like the friends they’d always been. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In every shop they went into, they’d jokingly pick out gifts for one another while giving silly little voices to all the stuffed animals or doing fashion shows with items they’d never dare wear seriously. They were like children let loose in a mall and while the cameras ate it up, Chaeyoung loved it ten times more.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even when they got their mics, conversation continued to flow between them and Chae was thankful that they wouldn’t get yelled out later for giving bad performances.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When the producers finally said they had enough footage for the day and the managers gave them permission to walk around until sun down, Chae was certain she couldn’t have asked for a better day. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Wow. They finally let us off our leashes, huh? We should run now before they change their minds.” Lisa’s voice glided past her ear as they walked side by side down the street looking for another shop to go to. Chae followed the voice and turned her head to look at the girl beside her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A soft glow washed over Lisa with the setting sun highlighting her every move. With every breath, Chae felt her heart tighten, begging her to document Lisa’s beauty in film or art or written word; something to commemorate the way the light danced within her eyes if Chaeyoung stared too deeply. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae would lose herself if she didn’t get a grip.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Instead of fulfilling the ideas propelling her soul, Chae took hold of Lisa’s hand and began running down the street with Lisa trailing behind her. The soft thumping of their footsteps stood as a baseline to her thruming heart and if she didn’t feel like she might explode, Chae might’ve said she’d never felt so alive. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chaeyoung didn’t dare look back. She was too afraid of what she might see. If she imagined it, there was Lisa. Still glistening with beams of sun now breathless as she tried to keep pace. The artificial wind created by their movements would blow her hair back like waves but her eyes would stay fixed ahead. Chae didn’t allow herself to think that maybe Lisa could be looking at her. Even in a fantasy, that would be asking too much.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But she’d be there; right behind her, desperately trying to keep their hands locked just as Chae was. No amount of force could pull them apart and Chae would let herself hold on just a little tighter. She would let herself give in, but that would take another life.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>For now, she just let Lisa’s hand rest in hers, not too tight, not too loose, just sitting there as if a sign of how fragile they truly were. They were only connected by two hands and the hope that one of them wouldn’t let go. Chae prayed that neither of them would.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Instead, she just kept running. Her lungs cried out for air, but Chae held her breath with a fear that the dam holding back time could break with the tiniest bit of pressure. She’d run forever if it meant they could stay just as they were right now.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But lungs and limbs always give way and just as Chae’s began to fail, her eyes stumbled upon a park that was mostly grass and a few benches. Despite this, Chae couldn’t think of a better stopping point; a place to bring peace no matter how brief. As her feet connected with soil her knees let her fall carefully to the ground; mindful to let go of Lisa on her way down. As Chae rolled onto her back and stared up at the yellowing sky, a wide toothed grin erupted on her face as the air filled her lungs once more.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What wasー” Lisa spoke between heavy breaths. “What was that about?” Lisa barely managed to get out before collapsing to the ground next to Chae.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae chuckled before speaking as if her answer were plain as day. “You said we should run away.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A comfortable silence settled in the air after that. Chae wasn’t sure if Lisa had heard her or not but she didn’t think it really mattered. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Lisa finally sighed into the openness around them. “I didn’t mean like that.” Her breathing became steadier with every word. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae shrugged though she doubted Lisa could see it. “It sounded nice. Running away for a moment.” Chae heard a rustling in the grass beside her as Lisa moved onto her side to be facing Chae. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you running from then?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The question was a valid one, but when Chae thought about it, she wasn’t truly running from anything. She just had so many places she wanted to go to and so many things she wanted to achieve. Running sometimes felt like the only way to catch up to them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not so much running from, as running to. Like, I wouldn’t mind running back home for a bit. I miss my mom.” Chae rolled on her side to be facing Lisa and was thankful the setting sun left them in the shade of a nearby tree so she wouldn’t have to grapple with the way it reflected off of Lisa’s skin.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Lisa seemed to take in her answer for a moment before nodding her head. “Ah, so we got a big softy, huh?” A hand reached out and pinched at Chae’s cheek before she brushed it aside with a giggle.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m serious! I love our jobs and living here and getting to travel and all of it, but sometimes I just want to wake up and walk downstairs to see my mom and dad watching tv, ya know?” Chae watched as Lisa’s expression changed to one of understanding.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Looking down to play with the grass Lisa spoke again. “Yeah, I get it.” She picked a few more blades of grass from the ground and let them blow away like confetti before shifting to be sitting cross-legged. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You know, I’ve always wanted to take you guys back to Thailand without all the promotions and the work stuff. Just show around, but like, really show you.” Chae mirrored Lisa’s sitting position.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s this little pond by my house if you go into the woods in my backyard. Sometimes animals come and drink from it and if you’re quiet enough they’ll do it even if you’re sitting there. It’s one of my favorite places in the world.” Lisa still seemed distracted by the grass as she spoke but Chae could hear the sentiment in her voice. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I think you’d like it the most. I’d want to take you there.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae tried to not let her face show how warm Lisa’s comment made her feel. The idea of going back to Thailand without all the camera’s and the fans, just getting to see it as Lisa did for so many years before their lives became what they are now sounded more appealing than she cared to admit.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The idea of Lisa wanting to show her places that meant so much to her created another feeling all together. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Who’s the big softy now?” Chastising Lisa as she had experienced earlier, Chae reached for Lisa’s cheek and squeezed it while the girl in front of her seemed to accept the title bestowed on her. Letting go, Chae felt herself moving to speak and try as she might, she simply couldn’t hold back her words.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d go with you anywhere.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They stared at one another for a while after that, or maybe it had only been a moment, Chae couldn’t tell. Though she attempted, she couldn’t decipher the look on Lisa’s face. If she had to guess, it was somewhere between confusion and astonishment, but she couldn’t say with certainty. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A wave seemed to crash on them before Lisa began speaking again. “You know the best part of that pond?” An entirely different look appeared on Lisa’s face as she spoke, leaning in slightly with her words.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae gave back a questioning look before Lisa provided an answer, “No one can hear a thing no matter how much I make you scream.” A nimble hand began sliding up Chae’s thigh causing her to shuffle backwards before Lisa made it too far up. Looking into Lisa’s eyes, a sly glint flashed in them and Chae felt her stomach twist in the most painful of realizations.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>While she’d been imagining spending quiet days vacationing in Thailand with the girl in front of her, Lisa had been envisioning all the areas she could pin Chae down in and get exactly what she was always after. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae was adamant on not letting her distaste show and instead shoved Lisa’s shoulder before getting up from the grass she’d so hoped would provide comfort but now only made her skin itch.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We should be getting back. The managers are gonna think we actually ran off.” Lisa gave a curt nod and stood up with a leap like a child might. If not for the nausea overcoming her senses, Chae might have found it cute.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>They walked back in silence as Chae feared what might happen if she opened her mouth. She was thankful for the somewhat overbearing hum of the cicadas in the air as she attempted to maintain her composure.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When they finally made it back to their managers, they were only scolded briefly for rushing off before they were on their way home. Chae tried to let her eyes close, but with every jostle of the van, she felt her stomach churn a bit further making settling herself absolutely impossible.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t spare Lisa a glance. Chae was too worried about what she might say in her weakened state. She wasn’t angry anymore, disgusted fit her mood better, but not perfectly. Thinking harder on it, at least as much as she could in the moment, Chae decided what she truly felt was disappointed. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Disappointed in knowing that today would have looked so many different ways if they were different people under different circumstances. Disappointed in knowing that she wouldn’t have even been here without her exact set of circumstances.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was feeling trapped by that, in a constantly changing tide of having, not wanting, but being unable to be without, that made Chae’s head spin uncontrollably and her eyes go fuzzy. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even as she stepped out of the van, Chae felt herself gripping the managers hand a bit too tight as she stumbled down the step. Without wanting to garner any more concerned eyes, Chae gathered enough of herself to walk into the building and go up the elevator with her regular smile; thankfully no one noticed how it was plastered onto her face. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Upon entering the dorm, Chae promptly settled onto the nearest couch and attempted to keep her eyes from shaking violently in her head by focusing on the wall in front of her. She could hear Jennie calling after her to ask how things had gone, but she couldn’t will herself to answer.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jisoo and Lisa seemed to be talking somewhere off in the kitchen and eventually Jennie gave up trying to speak to her and settled on her phone. It took a while, but Chae’s method of staring at nothing seemed to ground her until finally she felt stable enough to pull out her phone in hopes of distracting her still dizzied mind.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jisoo and Lisa had joined them in the living room now, all of them on their phones with the soft sounds of the TV playing in the background. An occasional half-hearted chuckle coming from one of the girls finding something funny on their phones was the only other noise present.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae first answered a few of her messages, some from her family, some from Sooyoung who she’d forgotten she was supposed to meet today, and some from other friends. Typing all of them simple replies, she only spent time apologizing to Sooyoung knowing that she should’ve messaged her sooner only to become immensely thankful that her friend was willing to reschedule. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After that, Chae quickly went to Twitter only to see that she had significantly more mentions than she normally did. Clicking on the first she saw, Chae had to take a minute to understand what she was seeing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It looked like fans had spotted her and Lisa out and about during their filming and had taken photos to Chae’s surprise. Most of the photos were of them getting mics put on or getting spoken to by the producers, but as Chae scrolled through more, her head began to feel the similar spinning feeling from before as her stomach twisted into knots.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In the images were her and Lisa, fully candid without any concern for the world. A number of them were pictures through shop windows documenting their antics from a distance, some were even of their time at the ice cream shop; Chae was extremely thankful that no one had caught her ridiculous action of feeding Lisa.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The photo that truly caused such a reaction in her though was one a fan had captured of them while they’d been running. Looking at the image, the sun not only reflected off of Lisa, but instead shone off both of them with heightened vigor. Their legs were extended in full sprint, hands connected, hair blowing in the wind.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was just as Chae imagined, only in this photo, Lisa was looking at her. Lisa was looking at her the same way Chae always felt she looked at Lisa. Her eyes were glossed over in wonder and a softened smile rested on her face despite Chae’s that extend across all her features. Lisa was looking at Chae like she was at the center of the universe. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae couldn’t seem to pry her eyes away from the image. How could she have missed it? How could she have neglected to turn her head?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A smile started to form on Chae’s face as she scrolled further, but the look was quickly halted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The next photo was one from significantly earlier while the girls had still been filming. It was of Lisa looking directly into the camera. She was smiley and holding up a peace sign just to let the fans know she knew they were there.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She knew they were there.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That’s what hit Chae all at once. Lisa had known the fans were photographing the whole time. She’d known and like they’d always been taught, just like they'd been told to do at that very shoot, she provided the fanservice that kept fans crawling back for more.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She’d known since the beginning and only reverted to treating Chae how she always did when she knew there weren’t anymore cameras. There were no pictures of them in the park. Not a single one.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The Lisa in the park, the one more concerned with dragging her hand up Chae’s thigh instead of sitting and having an actual conversation, was the Lisa she’d ventured home with. That was the Lisa she’d come to know and sleep with the past few months. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That was all they were.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chae felt bile rising in her throat as she placed her phone on the couch. Knowing she could no longer keep it down, Chae’s hand flew to cover her mouth and she rushed towards the bathroom hearing the sounds of her members calling after her. Slamming into the bathroom door and collapsing onto the floor, Chae purged everything she’d eaten that day into the toilet before her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The burn in her throat was indicator enough that she’d feel the pain tomorrow, but as she continued to heave, Chae could only think about how she’d much rather take this over the onslaught of thoughts in her mind. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t want to think about how the photo that had brought her so much joy was just pandering for cameras she hadn’t even known were there. She didn’t want to think about the fact that she’d allowed herself to stupidly get wrapped up in Lisa’s words at the park. She didn’t want to think about how much it hurt hearing that only Jisoo and Jennie had joined her in the bathroom.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As she released one more dry heave, Chae pushed back from the toilet only then to realize that she didn’t have the strength to support her head, leading her to begin a backwards descent towards the tile beneath her. If she could see straight, she’d guess that Jennie had been the one that caught her head before an unfortunate meeting with the ground. It could’ve been Jisoo though. On that she wasn’t sure. She could only be sure of one thing as her vision went black.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She knew who <em>hadn’t </em>caught her as she fell.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Not gonna lie. I hurt my own feelings writing this one. That final line cut a little bit. I still really like how this chapter turned out though. Also. I really enjoy writing team Jensoo not wanting to deal with the Chaelisa angst. That dialogue is super fun for me so I hope you all liked it too. Hearing your feedback and thoughts is really helpful and I can't thank everyone enough who left comments on the last chapter. Honestly, I'm posting this early for you guys so please let me know what you think. I hope every enjoyed this not so planned update! See you next time (which will hopefully be soon)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Always on my Mind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ok I know I know...it's been a minute. I was facing some pretty rough writers block and with this chapter being longer than my usual updates (hope that helps make up for the wait...) it was really difficult to get through, but I hope it came out alright. I'm still not in love with it and will probably edit it further over time, but it does a good job of setting things up for future chapters. I really appreciate all the kind words and enthusiasm for the last chapter too. It was one that was very special to me and knowing you all enjoyed (even if it hurt a bit...) means the world. I hope this chapter carries the rhythm and everyone likes it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Chae was nervous beyond belief. Sure, she’d been planning on coming to Korea for months, and she’d planned on being a singer long before that, but now she was standing at the door that could actually open the pathway to the rest of her life if she let it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe it was just a practice room, but with her nerves it might as well have been the door that would open to reveal the Queen or something. South Korea doesn’t even have a Queen. She was being ridiculous.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As her hand clutched onto the metallic handle of the door, she felt herself freeze as though the chill of the handle had sunken into her bones. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The crushing self doubt appeared in an instant and had her mind racing in circles chasing after the notion of confidence while screams of worthlessness made her drop her head to the floor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was then that, like magic, the handle began to twist on its own.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No no I’ll be back in a–” The girl speaking was interrupted as she slammed directly into Chae who couldn’t feel more embarrassed as she fell back onto the ground. “Oh my god!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In a rush. The girl before her was crouched down frantically checking over her to see if she’d done any damage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you ok? I wasn’t expecting anyone to be here and I wasn’t paying attention and I was just going to get water and there you were like </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘boom’</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Isn’t that crazy? That’s really something. Wow I’m rambling. Are you ok?” The girl’s words came like an onslaught and drowned out every thought in Chae’s head. That and the slight pain registering in her backside seemed to shake all her negative feelings away and she found herself laughing as she reached out to place a hand on the obviously nervous girl’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine. Sorry for just standing at the door like a weirdo.” It was only then that Chae actually looked up to take in the girl she’d been so painfully introduced to. Immediately, Chae’s eyes widened at how pretty the girl before her was. She wasn’t so ignorant as to think she wouldn’t meet some absolutely gorgeous people during her training and hopefully debut, but she hadn’t expected this caliber of beauty. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite her worried expression, Chae could see the way her almond shaped eyes shined so brightly as she spoke. Passion dripped off of her and Chae had only just met her. Her lips turned upwards at the ends and Chae could imagine how many people she rendered speechless whenever she smiled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae was staring. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The girl before her seemed to settle slightly before speaking again. “Oh! You’re the new trainee they told us about.” A new wave of embarrassment sunk into Chae knowing that this had been her first impression as the </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘new trainee’</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “I didn’t think you were coming today, but it’s so good to meet you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything from moments prior was forgotten as the girl before her grabbed Chae’s hands and pulled her to be standing. “Let me introduce you to everyone!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With that, Chae’s hand was latched onto that of the other girl’s and she was being pulled into the practice room full of girls she assumed were taking a break before going back to training. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Walking up to a girl who looked like she could kill someone with a single glance, Chae felt herself tense up only to feel the girl who still had hold of her hand give it a few squeezes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jennie, meet….” The girl looked back towards Chae for an answer as her words trailed off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rosie.” The girl nodded her head before turning back to the one she’d identified as Jennie who was now staring daggers into Chae. “Meet Rosie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae waited for what she imagined would be a Mean Girl’s adjacent introduction and was surprised when cat-like eyes turned to slivers and a gummy smile appeared on Jennie before transforming her from a terrifying goddess into an adorable puppy. Chae felt her body ease slightly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nice to meet you Rosie.” It took Chae a second to realize that Jennie was speaking in English to her and the confusion that passed on her face must have been enough to warrant Jennie’s retreat. “Oh my bad, I thought they said the new trainee was from Australia or something.” Jennie spoke this time in Korean.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh no. I am. I can speak.” Chae rapidly fired out in English only to mentally curse herself when she realized that she said ‘I can speak’ and forgot the “English” part. Jennie seemed to chuckle at her mistake before a cheer came from the other girl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yay! More English speakers. I have more people to talk to.” There was that smile Chae had imagined. She was dead on about it as she felt all her attention being captured in the way it lit up the girl’s face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The effect didn’t seem to work on Jennie as she rolled her eyes and stared at the other girl. “Yeah. Because that’s what you need. More people to bother.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The smiling face turned to a pout. “You’re no fun. I’m gonna introduce Rosie to people who </span>
  <em>
    <span>appreciate</span>
  </em>
  <span> my company.” Without another word, Chae felt herself being dragged off towards another trainee, half forgetting that her hand had been entwined with the girl’s the entire time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae was walked around and introduced to trainee after trainee so much so that she felt herself getting lost in all the names. Most of the girls gave half-hearted smiles or simple waves towards the duo and Chae couldn’t blame them seeing as they probably didn’t get much down time. As her introductions carried on though, the only thought on her mind was when she was going to get to learn her impromptu tour guides name.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And this is Kim Jisoo. My good friend and my interpreter half the time.” Jisoo smiled politely but seemed preoccupied with a game she was playing on her phone as she sat curled up against a side wall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jisoo’s a bit of a ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>gamer</span>
  </em>
  <span>’. I keep telling her she needs to find a better hobby or get better at the games she plays but she just won’t一Ouch!” A rough kick came to the girl’s shin causing her to look down at the dealer of her pain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jisoo spoke without taking her eyes away from her phone. “Yah, Lisa. You need to get better at Korean or get yourself a new interpreter.” Lisa laughed before playfully nudging Jisoo’s foot. Chae just laughed at their antics, but couldn’t help the way the name rang in her ears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa. Lisa. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Lisa.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wouldn’t be forgetting that one anytime soon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>* * *</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, really.” Chae took a giant inhale, begging her lungs to grow in size so she could take in more air. “I think I’m dying. How are you not dying?” Looking up despite her hands resting on her knees, Chae took in Lisa’s upright and unperturbed position.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa just shrugged before taking a sip of her water. “Don’t know. Guess I’m just used to this kind of stuff.” Chae rolled her eyes before placing a hand on Lisa’s shoulder to be able to stand upright. Leaving her hand on Lisa for stability, Chae began speaking again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bullshit.” Chae took another deep breath in. “You didn’t workout this morning, did you? There’s no way you just ran through that whole dance 5 times without breaking a sweat and did a whole workout this morning like the rest of us.”  Chae finally mustered up the strength to support herself without needing to lean on Lisa.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>An all-consuming grin ate up Lisa’s face as she seemed to get bouncy at the thought of her next words. “You’re right. I didn’t work out this morning. I was busy doing something else….” Lisa’s words trailed off as she walked around Chae and left her in the middle of the dance floor in favor of the practice room door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Confused, Chae stared on awaiting what looked like an explanation.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was too busy preparing this!” With a grand gesture, Lisa threw open the door to reveal Jennie and Jisoo with a cake burning a few candles on top of it. All at once, the girls began singing happy birthday and Chae was so astonished that it took her a moment to realize that they were singing to her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh right. It </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> her birthday, wasn’t it?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The songs of congratulations carried on until finally Jisoo stood in front of her with her two other friends standing on either side, desperately awaiting for her to blow out the candles. Just as she was about to blow them out, a hand rushed in to push her back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait. You have to make a wish.” Lisa spoke with the urgency of a five-year-old trying to explain Santa Claus to someone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She can’t say her wish out loud Lisa. If she does, it won’t come true.” Jennie deadpanned from Chae’s other side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae thought about it for a moment. She hadn’t planned on wishing for anything but staring back at the three girls before her, the idea came to her mind with ease.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae allowed the thought to bring her a smile. “No. This one I can say out loud because it’s going to come true no matter what.” Grabbing hold of Lisa’s hand and giving her a quick nod Chae continued. “I wish for us all to debut as a group. And to take over the world with how fucking awesome we are.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The other girls erupted in cheers as Chae blew out her candles, watching as the last few sparks drifted into the air of the practice room. Realizing she was still holding on to Lisa’s hand, Chae moved slightly as to not jostle the cake and pulled Lisa into a tight hug, looping her arms around the taller girl’s neck and feeling arms go around her waist as she was lifted from the ground. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae whispered against the other girl’s ear as to not let the other girls hear. “Thank you for doing all this.” Chae nuzzled her head deeper into Lisa’s neck. Lisa’s arms seemed to hug a bit tighter around the girl’s waist.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know Lisa planned this but we brought the cake.” Jisoo edged into the little world Chae and Lisa had created for a moment and Chae found herself laughing as she pulled away. Seeing that the cake had been placed on a nearby table, Chae reached out and wrapped all the girls into one giant group hug thanking all of them in one loud blurb of appreciation before she pulled back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Rosie. You’re crying.” Jennie looked on in slight shock and the other girls followed. Chae, confused, let her fingers drift towards her eyes where she felt a steady stream of wetness flowing. Laughing, she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just really happy right now.” Chae smiled at all the girls. “We should eat though!” Chae began pushing the other girls towards the cake only to hear Lisa mumble loud enough for the group to hear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who cries without realizing they’re crying. That’s so creepy.” Chae watched as both Jennie and Jisoo began swatting at Lisa screaming something about how it was Chae’s birthday and she could cry if she wanted to. Chae only laughed before allowing herself to check her eyes once more. Upon doing so, she felt a fresh stream of tears begin to fall down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>* * *</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae sat in the dark of her bunk bed thinking about all the things she had to do the next day. If she could just get some silence for one moment she was certain she could fall asleep. Her body ached from their evaluations today and exhaustion weighed her down with every breath she took. Her thoughts were relentless.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can practically hear you thinking all the way up here.” A low whisper flew into her ears so lightly that Chae thought she might’ve imagined it, but when strands of hair and two eyes peaked over the upper edge of her bunk, she knew that she’d imagined nothing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry. I didn’t think I was making any noise.” Chae apologized hoping that Lisa would just go back to sleep, but as the entire bed jostled with the motion of Lisa climbing down, Chae figured she’d already lost that battle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa stood before her, motioning for her to back up towards the wall. “Scoot over.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Following the order, Chae’s back went flat against the wall as Lisa slipped beneath the blankets to be facing Chae. The air seemed to grow thick as the heat radiating off both of them filled up the small space between them. Chae didn’t mind though and immediately felt comfort at the proximity.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s on your mind?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa’s words cut through the air like a knife and made Chae peel back the mask she’d been wearing all day to hide her worry. Ducking her eyes, Chae began to speak only to feel herself choke up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa seemed to hear her failed attempt and decided to speak in her stead. “If I had to guess, I’d say you're nervous that you’re not going to make cuts?  Am I close?” Lisa’s voice was so soft it made Chae want to wrap herself in it’s warmth. She instead decided on nodding her head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well you’re being silly.” Chae’s head jerked up to look at Lisa who only placed a hand on Chae’s shoulder in response. “You were great today. Everyone saw it. The others should be worried since you’re definitely going to be here next month.” Lisa spoke with certainty Chae wished she felt in herself. Despite that though, the soothing touch of Lisa rubbing circles into her shoulder seemed to rip a smile from her lips which left Lisa smiling in turn. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How do you do that?” Lisa gave a questioning look. “How do you act so calm on days like today?” Lisa seemed to think for a moment as Chae watched on in wonder at the girl before her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m great at what I do. No way they’d cut me.” Chae couldn’t help the laugh that threatened to bubble up from her chest. Just before it rang out, a finger rushed in front of Chae’s lips and a wide eyed Lisa looked back at her as if warning her against waking their roommates.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After letting her laugh subside and hooking her own finger with the one pressed to her lips, Chae spoke again. “Not that. I mean, how can you be so sure? How do you know I’ll make it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae didn’t allow her eyes to drop this time. Instead she watched, practically in slow motion, as the answer rippled onto Lisa’s face without a second of hesitation halting its path.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know because </span>
  <em>
    <span>no one</span>
  </em>
  <span> could take their eyes off you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sentence lingered around them, swirling and looping with every breath they shared before Chae felt herself reaching for Lisa and hugging the girl around the waist as best she could given their positions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She didn’t know how else to say how those words made her feel. This was the only thing that felt right. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa’s arms wove like thread around Chae’s back, knotting them together in an embrace that was equal parts somber and yet so very loud. The sound of Chae’s heart stuttering in her ears slowly found rhythm with Lisa’s which eased her. As sleep overtook her and Lisa and her separated enough to allow a rush of cool air to brush underneath the covers, Chae couldn’t say why she’d moved to hook her finger with Lisa’s once more, holding her in place as her thoughts were finally muffled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>* * *</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae’s eyes burned slightly as sunlight pushed past her eyelids. Her body felt heavy like she’d been asleep too long as too many of her limbs felt numb under the weight of fabric.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With her mind still racing with remnants of her dreams, Chae realized they’d all been memories. The way her stomach turned slightly with nostalgia was indicator enough of that. Or maybe that was nausea. The possibility entered her head realizing what had happened the last time she was awake. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Letting the feeling simmer for a moment though provided clarity and she found a smile forming on her face at the warmth the past brought her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hadn’t thought about it all in so long that it seemed like some false reality that had never actually taken place. If not for the photos or the strained memories that only appeared at random, Chae could swear she really had dreamt it all up. Of course, there was always the feeling it left.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Like a ghost on her skin, she remembered the grip of Lisa’s hand in hers on her first day of being a trainee tingling against her palm. She felt Lisa’s chest pressed to hers as they’d hugged so tightly Chae though it might rupture an organ on her birthday. Her cheeks still singed with the feeling of air blowing past them with the words Lisa had spoken that stilled everything inside of Chae only to have it start up again all at once.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Every fiber of her being was tuned into Lisa’s presence in her mind. It always had been. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If Chae had just a bit more energy she’d rub at her temples to alleviate the headache she could already feel forming. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Willing herself to open her eyes, Chae’s was nearly blinded by the sun, unrelenting in its quest to enter her room through the blinds. Blinking a few times, she finally adjusted only to look around in hopes of finding her phone. When she saw it, seeing that she’d have to actually get up to retrieve it, Chae decided that whatever messages were on it could wait until later.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Instead of moving, Chae let herself settle in her feelings. The overbearing thought of how she’d ended up here seemed to linger the most on her mind. She’d been stupid to let it get this far; to let herself feel this much. Despite that, she couldn’t ignore her subconscious. Even in sleep her mind found a way to stay fixated on Lisa. It was exhausting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sighing to herself, Chae figured mulling over things would do her no good. Perhaps venturing beyond her bed that allowed her to sink a little too deep into it would provide more solace. So, with gathered strength, Chae willed herself to pull back the covers and brave whatever monsters lay waiting under the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>* * *</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s alive!” Jisoo yelled as her hands flew up into the air only to be followed by a stream of claps and cheers from Jennie. Lisa, joining in on the excitement, whistling a few times before giving up and only smiling at the noise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae flushed in embarrassment as she walked towards the kitchen seeing Jisoo rise to follow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Propping herself up on her elbows, Jisoo began to speak. “You really scared us you know. Puking’s one thing but you passed out and everything.” At her final words, Jisoo’s face betrayed her otherwise perky expression and showed her true unease at the thought.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae could only extend a hand in Jisoo’s direction which Jisoo was quick to accept. “I’m really sorry. I should have said something about not feeling good. I won’t keep it to myself next time.” Chae lied, but Jisoo seemed to like the sentiment unaware of the deception.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How about not having a next time?” Jennie joined them at the island and gave Chae a stern look to which Chae could only nod at. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa was next to join, but walked right behind Chae and encircled her in a hug that had her breath hitching for just a second before her skin began to curl. She felt Lisa squeeze before she spoke. “Yeah. You should’ve told me you didn’t feel good while we were out.” Oh how Chae wished she could have spoken every bit of her mind the day prior, but instead she relented to tapping Lisa’s arm slightly and managing to take a breath as the girl finally let her go.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you feeling better though? Jisoo already asked the managers for a light day but I’m sure they’d let you stay here or take you to the doctors.” Jennie’s voice made it clear she wouldn’t allow the managers to push Chae even if they wanted to. “Whatever you need.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae could see the guilt lingering in Jennie’s eyes. She was the one who’d pushed Chae to go out the day prior and whether she knew the true reason behind Chae’s blackout or not, chances were she didn’t want to make the same mistake twice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae could only smile softly towards the girl. “I’m ok. Really. I think I’ve just been worried about the promotions and the album. I haven’t really been sleeping much.” She wasn’t completely lying this time; only by omission if at all. Jennie seemed to accept her answer though and Chae was thankful that she wouldn’t have to explain herself further. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jisoo was the next to chime in. “Better or not, you’re taking it easy today. I made sure the managers knew to reschedule any dance practices or interviews scheduled. So it should just be a recording session and maybe some meetings.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Having members who were willing to look after her health was probably a good thing given Chae’s self destructive streak as of late. Looking at the two girls before her, Chae felt her heart warm as if their care for her was reaching directly into her chest. Of course, there was the girl beside her who seemed to make Chae’s heart freeze instead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Got to make sure our little baby stays well.” Lisa spoke up from the side, poking a finger towards Chae’s cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae rolled her eyes as she looked towards Lisa. “You’re younger than me.” Lisa shrugged before enveloping Chae in another hug much to her dismay, Jennie and Jisoo quickly joined in on her misery.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>* * *</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae was not in the right headspace for this. Between the way her stomach still fought her with every move and the way her head seemed to be veering off in hundreds of different directions, the idea of singing about love wasn’t exactly on her “to-do list”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright Jennie, you’re up,” Teddy let out without looking up from his switchboard.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mentally counting off in her head, Chae assumed that Jennie going meant she was up next. How unfortunate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She should have just told the managers she was too sick to move. Maybe it wasn’t too late to pass out again. Chae was certain if she just turned her head fast enough…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Great work Jennie! Why don’t you take a breather and we’ll get Rosé in here for a bit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What? Jennie had gone </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> fast, or was Chae really that unaware of what was going on around her? Standing up, Chae didn’t bother to consider it more than that. It seemed like too much effort.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Walking into the booth, Chae placed the headphones over her ears and positioned herself in front of the mic. As she stood, silence was the only thing that overtook her. It was so quiet she could practically hear her blood rushing through her veins. It unnerved her and on instincts, she reached up to pull the headphones away from one of her ears, feigning that she could hear herself better like that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Teddy agreed before counting her into her part. The layered voices of her other members played in her ear and despite her muddied thinking, she could tell this song was already turning into something really good. She only hoped she could do as well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just before she was about to chime in, an all too familiar voice cut into the headphones. There was Lisa, singing her heart out and harmonizing with the other girls, yet standing apart all on her own. Maybe Chae was just a little too intune to the younger girl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What a stupid thing to be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae could feel her lips start to form words, and the scratching in her throat indicated that she was singing, but the sound didn’t make it to her ears. Instead she focused on Lisa’s voice. In it was pain and joy and longing. All the things perfectly portraying the song and yet Chae yearned for more from the words. She craved something deeper than a piece of paper that Lisa was merely reading off of. She desired those words to be about her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She knew she was singing those same words to Lisa, but she couldn’t figure out</span>
  <em>
    <span> why</span>
  </em>
  <span>?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had a crush. That was undeniable, but why had she let it get this far? Thinking back to Paris she knew then and there what this was. It was written in stone and laid before her and she sold her soul to the notion of it all fully aware of what their deal meant. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She knew the limitations of their arrangement and still persisted on with some asinine fantasy of becoming something more; of convincing Lisa that she was worth more. Why had she done that?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If she wanted to, Chae could argue that she hadn’t had a choice in the matter, but she did. She really did and her choice was to revel in the masochism of it all like things could change if she just believed hard enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And yet, nothing had changed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night in Paris hadn’t been the exception, it had become the rule and she’d spent every day since trying to break the rule without getting caught. She’d assumed Lisa was the one she needed to worry about, but it was herself. Like the judge, jury, and executioner she’d caught and condemned herself to her own fate and it was all for nothing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Those pictures proved it. Lisa didn’t change and she never would. This is what they were now. Maybe it had been there the entire time and Chae had refused to acknowledge it out of fear of the truth. She couldn’t very well admit that she’d been doing this all for nothing without evidence so glaring that it laid her out on the floor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Quite literally if last night was any indication.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wanted to be wrong. </span>
  <em>
    <span>God</span>
  </em>
  <span> did she want to be wrong, but her eyes locked with Lisa’s, rather, they latched on to the sight of her head facing down towards her phone with no attention spared towards Chae. Did she know Chae was singing about her? Did she know how Chae had been breaking herself to fit into a mold she never fully understood the confines of? Would she even care if she did know?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae wasn’t willing to answer her last question, but she knew the answer to everything else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No. No she didn’t. And she wouldn’t, because Chae was done.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In that moment, staring at Lisa who couldn’t care less about the feelings raging on like a tsunami in Chae’s chest and exiting her in fatal bursts with every word she sang, Chae decided that if Lisa could feel nothing, so could she.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That’s what she’d initially agreed to within herself and to have strayed so far from that path was no one's fault but her own. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was time to course correct.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With one final burst, Chae inhaled to find herself out of breath and shaking slightly with how much she’d put into her words. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Applause rippled through her headphones and even through the glass of the booth. All eyes were on her; even Lisa had raised her head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Teddy was the first to speak in a congratulatory exasperation, “Damn~ Rosie. Here I was being told you were sick or something yet you came in and killed those lyrics.” The applause teetered off before he spoke again. “We can do another take if you want, but that was great so I’m happy if you want to leave it as is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae let a smile wrap itself onto her face as she felt genuinely good. She knew she’d put her all into singing, but to see that it came out just as she’d imagined, left a calm to settle over her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She could manage this. If she could manage passion like that channelling into her voice, she could manage channelling her feelings for Lisa elsewhere and maintaining the agreement they had without all the complications in between. It’d be difficult, but she was done feeling everything while Lisa got to walk around without a care in the world.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It just wasn’t fair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As Chae walked out of the booth, Jisoo was quick to high five her before entering herself. Chae collapsed onto the couch next to Jennie who gave her a silenced thumbs up as Jisoo began to sing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa’s eyes had returned to her phone, and strangely, that reality didn’t weigh so heavily on Chae. It hardly crossed her mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>* * *</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jennie slipped into a pair of heels by the door with a tentative hand placed on Jisoo’s shoulder for support. Jisoo looked over her own choices of footwear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright, we’ll probably be in late...and drunk. So don’t stay up! But also if you hear one of us fall on the floor please come help us,” Jennie spoke without looking at Lisa or Chae who’d found spaces on separate couches and sprawled out onto them respectively.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa waved an uninterested hand, not lifting her gaze to meet the two older girls at the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jennie only rolled her eyes, “Well, since Lisa is obviously </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> busy,” a condescending tone lacing Jennie’s words, “Rosie, you’re more than welcome to come with so you don’t have to hang with this loser all night.” Lisa didn’t so much as hum to acknowledge Jennie’s words, too engrossed in whatever she was doing on her phone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The idea was slightly appealing. Jennie and Jisoo had been planning a hangout with some of the Red Velvet girls for weeks in hopes that if they planned enough in advance, both groups of managers might agree to it. Seeing that that hadn’t happened, Chae watched as Jennie attempted to put a hoodie over her attire without messing up her hair. The anonymity the garment provided obviously needed for the occasion. Jisoo did the same after donning her heels.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thinking at the way her stomach still tensed when she’d eaten earlier though, Chae figured adding alcohol into the mix would be the worst decision she could make for the moment. So she shook her head with a smile before responding. “No you guys go have fun. Tell everyone I said hi!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae had to scream the last bit as Jennie and Jisoo were already walking out the door. With a click of the automatic lock, the room silenced and Chae hung onto every tiny noise. There was the buzz of the electric lights, the soft rumbling of the cars many floors below, if she listened hard enough, Chae could swear she heard the ding of the elevator coming to pick Jisoo and Jennie up from the hall.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That didn’t take away from the weight of the silence though.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Peering around the room, Chae noticed that Lisa was still engrossed in her phone, then realizing that the girl had been staring at the screen for most of the day as if consumed by the little light box she held. Getting curious, Chae pushed herself up and walked the short distance to the other couch only to sit directly beside Lisa, startling the girl as she landed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Geez Chae, make some noise when you walk.” The recommendation was quickly forgotten as Lisa’s focus narrowed on her phone once again. Feeling curiosity itch more intensely at her mind, Chae peered over Lisa’s shoulder to view what was so interesting only to see review after review for what looked like….a camera?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae tilted her head in confusion. “Are you reading reviews for a camera?” The mention of such a device seemed to peel enough of Lisa’s attention away to respond though her eyes remained on her phone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. It just came out today and I’m trying to decide if it’s better than mine but none of the tech blogs are comparing it with anything yet so I’ve been looking over early access reviews to see if anyone has used both.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae couldn’t help but laugh. Of course Lisa would spend the better part of a day making sure she had the best of the best. While the other girl might be an impulse buyer at times, she’d never waste money on something that was lesser than what she already had, especially when it came to cameras.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you just get it and test it out yourself? You can always return it, right? If it’s worse?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa’s finger stopped scrolling as though Chae’s words had physically restrained her. After a moment though, the younger girl let out an exasperated sigh and quickly flipped through a few tabs before landing on an online store selling the camera. Quickly putting in her information and paying, the confirmation of purchase popped on screen and Lisa’s hands immediately dropped to her sides while her head fell back onto the couch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa closed her eyes leaving Chae to wonder if she’d seen the other girl so much as blink that day. “I’m such an idiot. You couldn’t have said that 5 hours ago?” Lisa’s eyes remained shut but her hand dropped her phone and reached up to run through her hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae watched her motion and immediately wanted to follow suit with her own hand. The feeling of Lisa’s hair between her fingers, tugging slightly, parting the other girl’s lips in a temptation of a kiss that she couldn’t take, it made her body begin to warm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It didn’t make her heart ache though. Maybe this is what progress felt like.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emboldening herself and deciding their was no better time than the present to prove to herself that she’d fully committed to her role as a FWB, Chae placed a hand on the back of the couch next to Lisa’s head and moved one leg across Lisa’s lap to be straddling the younger girl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Immediately, Lisa’s eye flew open and after some initial confusion, her lips curved upward knowingly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Smiling deeper, Lisa spoke. “What’s this about? The couch not comfortable enough?” Lisa’s voice dropped to a lower range.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae leaned in, just a few inches between their faces. Barely enough room to breathe in remained. “I’ve always liked the feeling of you between my legs more.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa visibly gulped leaving a widening smile to grow across Chae’s lips before she leaned back to take in Lisa fully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite her hands not tangling themselves in Lisa’s hair as she’d imagined, Lisa still sat with lips parted as if asking to be kissed with the way they radiated pinks and shimmer slightly with the light. It took everything Chae had not to run a thumb across the plump skin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Instead, Chae’s hands reached to grab at Lisa’s wrists, positioning Lisa’s hands so that they’d graze against her thighs. A soft mewl escaped Chae’s lips when Lisa took the hint and dug her nails into the tender skin beneath them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chae’s head tilted back signaling Lisa to move forward and as lips connected with taut skin, Chae knew Lisa could feel the way her throat hummed in pleasure. Even as Lisa sucked on the skin gently, Chae couldn’t think far enough ahead to tell the girl to venture further down to avoid questioning looks from their stylist the next day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That didn’t matter right now though, not with Lisa’s hands drifting to grab at Chae’s backside causing her to roll into the girl beneath her. The friction felt amazing and with every grab Lisa made, Chae found herself grinding into the other girl until she fell forward onto Lisa’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa was breathing harder than Chae had realized. “Why don’t we take this somewhere a bit more private.” Lisa’s words sounded like honey pouring into Chae’s ears and she wished she had the strength to speak, but instead she nodded against Lisa’s shoulder before bracing herself to move.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Moving off of Lisa, Chae wasted no time in grabbing the girl’s wrist and dragging her towards her room only letting go to close the door behind them when the journey was complete. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seeing that Lisa had inched closer to the bed, Chae slowly strutted over to the girl without breaking eye contact before placing two firm hands on her chest and pushing her to lay back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa’s face betrayed nothing as Chae crawled on top of her, the bed sinking slightly with their combined weight. Just as Chae was about to venture down to pepper Lisa’s neck with kisses, she felt familiar hands drag up her thighs and under her shirt. Chae knew where this was going.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At least she thought she did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fingers tickled at her sides unintentionally before brushing gently along her stomach as though exploring for the first time. There was nothing possessive or needy in the hands mapping her skin, instead there was a warmth that Chae almost couldn’t recognize. It felt foreign to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lisa’s hands didn’t move upwards to cup her breasts or down to quicken them both to a satisfying ending. They just danced across her bare skin, tracing lines that should’ve been defined by now as though those same hands hadn’t run tracks up and down Chae’s body plenty of times before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The feeling made Chae’s heart skip a beat and she looked down at the girl under her who didn’t even seem aware of what she was doing as she stared back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The thought only lasted for a second. It was a blip in the radar, a misfire of neurons into the darkness of her mind, but then it happened again. Again and again and again the thought flashed until finally it was all Chae could think about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything she’d vowed to cut off where Lisa was concerned, to starve until it was nothing more than a shrivelled idea that could be lost into oblivion, came rushing back and there she was. The girl she so wished would feel something, anything, more for her in moments like these when soft movements were all that existed, was looking back at her and daring her to believe there was real intimacy behind those eyes; that there was anything real at all other than lust.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She watched on, mindful that the touches on her stomach started to fade and the expression on Lisa’s face began to morph into one of concern. Slowly but surely, Lisa’s face began to be littered with little droplets of water, practically appearing out of thin air and sliding down her cheeks and onto her neck and onto the sheets beneath them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the droplets persisted, Chae began to hear something in the fog that had surrounded her. A soft voice barely made it through as if it were fighting against a gag to reach her ears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> it saying?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ro–” something Chae couldn’t make out. “–ie” Syllables that couldn’t connect. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rosie!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There it was. It was her name. Lisa was saying her name.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But why?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was then that Chae felt it. Those droplets had started to appear on the tip of her nose. She could feel them draw stains across her cheeks before landing on Lisa’s. They weren’t just droplets. They were tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was crying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sitting up in a hurry, Chae moved to wipe her eyes but as she did, the tears just kept flowing harder until it hurt to breathe. Lisa sat up with Chae still in her lap and Chae saw a slow hand moving in the direction of her face. Swatting it away, Chae rushed backwards off of Lisa, panic overcoming every nerve in her body and causing her to take in air frantically despite the way it stung.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rosie I―” That’s all Lisa managed to get out before she was speaking to Chae’s fleeting back, her running from the bedroom in a rush. She barely managed to grab a hat and jacket as she exited the dorm, throwing on the items she grabbed as she opted for the stairs worried what might happen if she stayed still for too long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Each step felt like a wave crashing in, her knees threatening to buckle each time her foot met metal, but it kept her from thinking. Panicked as she might be, falling down the stairs was a great enough incentive to focus if only enough to maintain her grip on the handrail. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She made it to the ground floor faster than she thought she would and was quickly running out onto the street, the humid summer air doing nothing to calm her in her winter attire. Looking either way, Chae just started moving, she had to keep moving. She couldn’t stay still.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not knowing what else to do, Chae felt around until her hand landed on her phone in her back pocket, thankful that it hadn’t accidentally fallen out. Looking at her home screen, a single message blinked at her as if a signal in the darkness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jennie: In case you change your mind &lt;3</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Following it was a message with an address to Red Velvet’s dorm and without a second thought, Chae was walking in the direction of the only thing she could think to take her mind away from the fact that she’d broken her own deal twice. She just couldn’t manage it and to attempt the same thing a third time would only be an exercise in futility.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Everyone wanted Chae to get some peace, and I heard ya, I did. But there is no peace for the pining. You should know this by now. We are close to about halfway through this story though so hopefully things will start turning around at some point...guess we'll just have to wait and see though ;) As always the kind words are appreciated more than you guys know. I truly wouldn't have completed this chapter without all of your support and I'd love to hear about what you guys think will come of this chapter now that Lisa has seen just a bit deeper into Chae's feelings. At least on the outside. Hope everyone enjoyed and please look forward to the next update!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Crying Over You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Back again with an update on a Friday! Wooooo. This chapter was actually really fun to write and I got to put some humor in it which was a nice relief from last chapter so I hope everyone finds it as entertaining as I tried to make it. Not many notes other than that though there is a fun little surprise in this chapter that I hope everyone likes. It definitely made me very happy to write.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jennie had been the one to meet her at the front door. The sounds of the party Chae had walked in on raged behind Jennie, but her face instantly morphed upon seeing the state of Chae.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>While the tears had stopped somewhere along the way, the imprint they’d left in her cheeks, the smudged makeup on her hands, the sweat littering her brow from the heat outside, her hair disheveled from the humidity, all of it stood as a neon sign indicating that something had gone wrong. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Looking at Chae, Jennie’s eyes took all of her in as if marking a check list of red flags before her eyebrows raised into gentle arches of concerned questioning. An <em> “are you ok,” </em> mixed with a <em> “what happened,” </em> only to settle on <em> “can I help?” </em> Chae looked down not sure what her own eyes might say.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A thumb began brushing under Chae’s eyes, wiping slightly down Chae’s cheeks on the same lines her tears had drawn earlier. Chae was thankful for the lack of words as Jennie worked to piece her back together.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie’s hands ran over Chae’s face a few more times before they grabbed onto her shoulders with a firm shake. This brought Chae’s gaze back to Jennie’s who seemed intent on finding the right words to say despite them just barely escaping her. Jennie’s look instead settled in a way that told Chae that if she asked, Jennie would leave in a heartbeat and get ice cream with her. It was a nice thought.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae wanted to get lost though. She wanted to forget herself, every part of her, just for a while.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie seemed to understand that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With a tug, Chae felt herself being pulled into a tight hug, Jennie wrapping her up in warmth that she didn’t want to admit she needed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie’s voice reached out in a whisper, “Whatever you need, ok? I got you.” Chae squeezed Jennie just a little harder, unwilling to start crying again and ruin the work Jennie had put in to make her presentable. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The pair ventured further into the apartment only for Chae to see everyone off in their own little worlds. Music carried them in different ways as some swayed or rocked to the rhythm. No one was concerned with her being there and it felt freeing to be alone with herself despite the company.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As she walked further, trailing behind Jennie, Chae watched Jennie squeeze Jisoo’s arm to get her attention before whispering into her ear. Chae could only assume they were talking about her and the idea made her pick at her fingers out of embarrassment before Jisoo nodded to Jennie and was grabbing at Chae’s hands. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo leaned in, the scent of alcohol overwhelming Chae’s senses as she spoke, “Wanna dance?” Jisoo’s eyes scrunched into slivers and a childish smile spread across her lips. Over her shoulder, Chae watched Jennie’s lips turn up in warmth at Jisoo’s words.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae couldn’t help but chuckle in return, a smile cocking up one side of her mouth, the other not quite ready to join it yet. Jisoo’s smile morphed into laughter as she began jumping around, hands still clasped around Chae’s leaving the sober girl’s arms to flail wildly despite her body remaining still. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a while, Jennie’s arms encircled Jisoo’s waist pulling her back down. Jisoo seemed pleased at the contact and leaned into Jennie who spoke soft enough as to not startle the drunken girl, but loud enough that Chae could overhear.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why don’t we get her a drink first?” Jisoo considered the thought before allowing her head to roll back onto Jennie’s shoulder with a lopsided grin, her eyes wandering the girl’s face for a moment in careful consideration. Chae watched as Jisoo moved to plant a kiss on Jennie’s cheek only to miss slightly and land closer to the edge of her lips, Jennie’s cheeks flushing a pink similar to the one dusting Jisoo’s. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Loosening her embrace around Jisoo due to the shock, Jisoo took the opportunity to start spinning around in a sudden outburst caused by the song changing. Jennie quickly forgot her own idea as she focused more on attempting to keep Jisoo from dropping to the floor as she stumbled in her heels.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seeing that she’d been left out-of-mind, Chae’s eyes explored.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She noticed most of the Red Velvet girls tied up in different things around the room. Irene and Seulgi were slow dancing in the corner despite the song suggesting they do anything but. Wendy and Yeri seemed far too amused looking at something on one of their phones, each clutching a drink in her hands making Chae wonder where she could get one herself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A red solo cup appeared in her peripheral before Sooyoung’s face followed. “Looking for one of these? Or did you just miss me?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae found herself reaching for the red cup Sooyoung held, thankful that she wouldn’t have to awkwardly walk around the apartment in search of alcohol. Bringing the cup to her lips as Sooyoung cheersed her, Chae took a sip. It was bitter and stung, but it was good. It was the worst kind of good there was, the kind someone could get attached too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Physically shaking her head to rid her mind, Chae looked to Sooyoung who held her familiar smirk. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sooyoung took another sip of her drink before speaking, “Here I was, thinking you’d ditched me again, only for you to show up to my wondrous surprise looking fabulous as always.” Chae would have to remember to thank Jennie later for that. “Even if you didn’t come dressed for the occasion. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae looked down, noticing that she was severely undressed compared to everyone else's party wear. On any other night she might’ve cared. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sorry. Didn’t realize this was a black-tie event.” Chae shrugged nonchalantly before Sooyoung was throwing an arm over her shoulder and pressing against her side.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Black-tie is overrated. I much prefer short. Black. Dress.” A wink punctuated Sooyoung’s remark before she was hollering over the music to announce Chae’s arrival. Everyone’s eyes turned to her before all the girls were rushing towards the dance floor in one large bounding roar.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The floor shook with their movements and Chae found herself being swallowed by it all. She knew all these people in such a professional setting. With poised posture and stale faces, these were the same girls she stood beside in crystalized perfection, yet they were able to let loose, cut all ties to the parts of themselves that left them confined. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae wanted to do the same.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Watching as Irene jumped around with Seulgi and Wendy, Yeri videotaping the endeavor while Jennie ground her hips back into Jisoo who seemed all too eager to let her hands wander the other girl’s frame, Chae could feel her unease slip off like the coat she’d removed at the door. She had no thoughts of the night she’d been running from, only the sounds of music and the flashing of a cheap strobe light concerned her, the white space of her mind being filled by her surroundings.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As Chae willed herself to let go, she felt Sooyoung’s presence slip from her side to behind her. Feeling bold, Chae began to push back into Sooyoung. It was just to test the waters, but Sooyoung remained, unwavering, as she accepted Chae with alcohol fueled enthusiasm. The music must have been causing the synapses in Chae’s brain to misfire, because she was certain Sooyoung couldn’t be pulling her closer by the waist, right?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae couldn’t help but find her friend’s actions intriguing</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A thought etched its way into her mind. It was nothing concrete, closer to a subtle breeze than the wind storms she’d been dodging as of late, but it was there, and it didn’t sound terrible. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She couldn’t decide if it was the alcohol or the energy in the air that made her lean into the thought, the thought to turn around in Sooyoung’s arms to be facing her. Maybe it was all of that and the crushing weight of knowing yet not accepting that she was imagining someone in Sooyoung’s place. Whatever it was, Chaeyoung stood staring up at Sooyoung who’s drunken glee glazed over every expression she made. It made Chae want to take a piece of it for herself and protect it like some ancient relic, a reminder of a past version of herself. Instead, Chae let her hands reach out to find Sooyoung’s nape and as she began massaging the skin in her grasp.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fingers curled languidly into Sooyoung’s baby hairs as Chae allowed herself to meet Sooyoung’s eyes. The taller girl seemed to have sobered a little under Chae’s touch and was giving her an inquisitive look, but not pulling away. It urged Chae to move forward.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lips met hers sooner than she thought they might and the hands on her waist quickly slipped to pull at the small of her back. She could feel the slight strain in Sooyoung’s neck as she leant down to meet Chae, but she was kissing back and it was something Chae hadn’t felt in months.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That reciprocation from another person without malice or hunger, just a kiss for the sake of a kiss. There were no messy lines to mind or walls to avoid slamming into. Chae didn’t have to consider what it all meant or if she was showing too much of her hand in her actions. It didn’t matter if her heart was on her sleeve because nothing there could ruin everything she’d worked towards and destroy something with a person she cared for so deeply.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was almost too much.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Turning her head to deepen the kiss, Chae took initiative again and lightly swiped at Sooyoung’s lower lip with her tongue. After another pass, Sooyoung opened her mouth allowing Chae entrance.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The more Chae roamed, though, the less she found. Nothing sent sparks coursing around her body and nothing sent butterflies to her stomach. It was just a kiss. A good kiss, but nothing more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae desperately kept waiting, hoping, that she’d feel something, <em> anything </em>. She was kissing a beautiful girl who was fully on board with the idea of kissing her back and yet her mind was blank, blank enough that it was beginning to drift. Chae couldn’t help but wonder who’d she’d see if she opened her eyes. Would it be Sooyoung or the same girl she kissed back in Paris? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sensing that her confidence was reaching its limits and her whim was overstaying its welcome, Chae retreated leaving an out of breath Sooyoung gasping inches from her face. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>As Sooyoung’s eyes opened, they met Chae’s and the air hung around them for a moment. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae searched for a feeling in Sooyoung’s eyes, any indication that she’d overstepped, but Sooyoung’s eyes told her nothing. For once, she was happy about that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It took Sooyoung bursting out in laughter and backing away slightly for Chae to realize that she’d kissed her friend out of nowhere in the middle of a party. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even Chae could acknowledge how her own absurd behavior would be funny.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Laughter bubbled out of her and she found herself doubling over, holding her stomach as she laughed even harder. She’d forgotten how wonderful it was to laugh like that. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sooyoung was the first to contain herself as she spoke, “Wow Ro, didn’t know you felt that way.” The sarcasm clung to Sooyoung’s words and Chae rolled her eyes at her friend’s usual behavior.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae shoved at the taller girl’s shoulder, “Shut up and dance.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sooyoung seemed to have no opposition to Chae’s words as her hands rose into the air and she jumped around in time to the music. Chae joined in, noting how no one had spared an eye to their little endeavor. No one minded, maybe because they were too enamored with their own thoughts and emotions or maybe because they didn’t see it as such a big deal regardless, but it brought Chae a certain peace knowing she didn’t have to explain herself. It allowed her to release a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding and let go of a weight she’d been carrying since she’d left her own dorm.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The freedom she’d been looking for rushed in all at once and she sighed aloud at its comforting presence within her..</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So she danced. She danced with Sooyoung for a while longer before being pulled away by Yeri only to be stolen by Irene and Seulgi for a drinking game she didn’t know she’d agreed to until a shot was inching down her throat. Jennie and Jisoo played for a while before Jisoo could barely stand and was clinging to Jennie like a tree as she whispered against the other girl’s neck, Chae unaware of why she somehow felt like she was third-wheeling whenever she approached the pair. She instead focused on spinning through the motions of the party, content to let herself go with the flow of whoever wanted her company next.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The night continued on like that for what felt like forever before Chae found herself sitting in a chair watching everyone wind down. Sooyoung was being used as a body pillow by Yeri who’d fallen asleep sometime before. Wendy occasionally walked into Chae’s line of sight, tidying around herself as though it would make a difference to the absolute mess the living room had become. Chae was fairly certain Irene and Seulgi had run off some time earlier, hands locked and giggles escaping both of them between each breath leaving her unwilling to go look for them. Her own band mates sat on the ground, Jennie’s back against the wall while Jisoo’s head laid in her lap, Jennie’s hand petting at Jisoo’s arms unconsciously as the two spoke in muffled voices. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae was beginning to feel that it was time to go home.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae gathered herself and walked across the room, helping Jennie lift Jisoo from the floor as they began making their way out with small goodbyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seeing them start to walk towards the door, Sooyoung pushed a startled Yeri off of her before dramatically falling to her knees.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Extending her arm towards Chae, Sooyoung put on her best impression of a love stricken period drama actor, “My love! Why do you forsake me by leaving? Won’t you spend the night in my bed chamber?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sooyoung’s center of balance seemed to shift as she fell forward nearly crashing into the ground before catching herself. Her words significantly dampened with her stumble as Wendy extended a hand to get the larger girl off the floor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Wendy sighed when Sooyoung didn’t have the strength to pull herself up. “Thanks for coming guys. Sorry you had to see her like this.” Wendy spoke up using the hand she’d offered Sooyoung to wave goodbye instead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yeri was laughing hysterically, all the sleep gone from her eyes, at Sooyoung’s antics as Chae just barely saw Wendy crawl onto the floor beside Sooyoung before the door closed behind them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>* * *</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae wasn’t good at dodging questions with her drunken state. She could barely walk in a straight line, much less dance between everything her two bandmates wanted to know. Jennie tried to be delicate, not wanting to push Chae to say too much, but Jisoo was another story. The alcohol was probably working against her too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo pinched the bridge of her nose as she spoke softly in the cab they rode in, mindful to still keep her voice down about the topic matter despite her being far from sober. “Why didn’t we guess that one of you caught feelings? Of course there are feelings.” Jisoo turned to Jennie desperately searching for an answer. “Why didn’t we guess it?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If Chae didn’t know any better, she’d say Jisoo was more upset that she couldn’t have won some bet with this knowledge as opposed to having not been presented with it earlier.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t look at me,” Jennie threw her hands up in surrender, “It’s not like I knew about it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae didn’t feel like she was in the conversation anymore. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So you’re telling me,” Jisoo swallowed, the shaking of the car getting to her as she tried to focus back in on Chae, “you thought you could get over Lisa by fully committing to your FWB thing and when you tried to sleep with her,” another breath. “You failed?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae hadn’t exactly put it like that, but Jisoo wasn’t wrong.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo took a moment to let the thought sink in without Chae confirming or denying. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No shit you failed.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie and Chae shared the same level of surprise at Jisoo cursing, her not paying either of the looks on their faces any thought.<br/><br/></p>
<p>“What did you expect to happen? You wake up and magically get over the girl you’ve liked for months? What kind of crazy bullshㅡ” Jennie gave a warning look at Jisoo to stop while she was ahead. Chae was too in shock to think about how deep Jisoo’s words would’ve normally cut.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Look, feelings don’t work like that.” Jisoo eyes fluttered slightly trying to get her words together, “It took a year for Jennie to even admit she liked me and another 3 months before we even—” Yet again, Jisoo was cut off by Jennie, only this time by a hand slamming over her mouth in addition to a wide-eyed warning. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae would need to wait and unpack <em> that </em> statement when she was sober.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Jisoo <em> means </em>to say,” Jennie visibly pushing her hand harder against Jisoo’s lips, “that it’s ok. You can’t control who you like. You can’t force yourself to just stop all of a sudden either, even if you hate that they don’t like you back. Feelings don’t work like that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie’s words sank into Chae. She knew she was right, but she wanted the opposite to be true. She wanted to be able to flick off her feelings like a switch when they got to be too much; to easily ignore them when it became glaringly clear that they weren’t reciprocated. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie was right though. That simply wasn’t possible. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The conversation died out after that. Chae kept wading through the waters of her thoughts attempting to understand how her night had turned into this. With the life she lived, it wasn’t uncommon to do a lot in one day before her head met a pillow again, but today just seemed unnaturally long. All Chae wanted to do was go to bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Walking into the apartment with a much drunker Jisoo than when they’d left the Red Velvet dorm, Chae saw that a light had been left on in the living room but there was no sign of their fourth band member, of Lisa. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae supposed she should be happy that she wouldn’t have to explain herself at the moment, her being unsure how much she could conceal with how fuzzy her head felt, but she’d be lying if she said the concerned look on Lisa’s face that she saw right before running out wasn’t lingering in her thoughts.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh <em> right </em>, she’d left the other girl in her room. It’d be unfortunate if Lisa were there still.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As Jennie dragged Jisoo down the hallway, Chae only then realized that Jennie took Jisoo to her room as opposed to the older girls separate one (Chae <em> really </em> didn’t have the energy to think about that for now). Ignoring the pair, Chae focused as she grabbed onto the doorknob, willing Lisa to be anywhere but on the other side of that door.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Carefully inching the door open and embracing whatever may come, Chae was only met with the darkness surrounding her. A quiet hum settled in the air and Chae wished she could say she wasn’t a little disappointed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She needed to sleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Making her way across the room, Chae fell into her bed and barely managed to pull a blanket over her head before she drifted off into sleep. Her dreams were memories again, all filled with the same face, and the same ache knowing that she could never go back to the times before.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>* * *</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae’s heart threatened to burst from her chest as she made her way to the kitchen. Her ears were on high-alert as her eyes raced to find the one person she was dreading seeing. The slight hangover was easily masked by the increasing anxiety that built with every step Chae took forward. Seeing Lisa sitting at the kitchen counter did nothing to help.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Looking for anything so she wouldn’t have to speak to Lisa directly, Chae noticed Jisoo laying on the couch with a wet cloth resting on her forehead. Jennie sat close by and occasionally flipped the cloth so Jisoo wouldn’t have to move.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was Jennie who first noticed Chae’s presence.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What happened to Jisoo?” Chae was surprised her voice came out so steady, though Jennie’s eye roll told her she was in for an ear full.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Removing the cloth from Jisoo’s face, Jisoo was quick to open her eyes and peer over to Jennie before reaching out to no avail.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie sighed to herself, “This idiot drank her body weight in alcohol last night and is now suffering the well deserved consequences of her actions.” Jennie swatted at Jisoo’s hand when she reached for the cloth, but Jisoo seemed undeterred.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re the one who kept getting me drinks! Now please give me back my towel.” Jisoo’s hand managed to grab the towel only for a tug of war to begin between the two girls leading Jisoo to nearly be ripped off the couch by Jennie’s force.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I can’t believe you guys drank without me. My feelings are hurt.” There was that voice Chae had been adamant about avoiding since she’d returned to the dorm. It was the voice of the one that could ask questions she didn’t want to answer, questions that left her ears turning red and her throat closing up at the thought of what Lisa must think of her now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae glanced away from Jennie and Jisoo to see that Lisa had vacated her place at the kitchen island and instead moved to be leaning against the back of the couch Jisoo was lying on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo gave up on the towel and looked to Lisa. “You didn’t miss much. Some alcohol there, some dancing here, a little bit of fun in the air.” Jisoo’s last words sounded haughty as she threw a smug look in Jennie’s direction before she received a quick flick of her beloved towel to the arm. A pout formed on her lips before she began whining for Jennie to give the towel back again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa was unfazed by the pair and instead looked up at Chae. The gears in Chae’s head began turning attempting to formulate as many possible answers to any number of questions Lisa could ask her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She wasn’t expecting for the girl to say nothing. Instead of speaking, Lisa looked again at the older members with the expression on her face remaining stagnant. “You guys totally owe me a drink now.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo perked up at the thought and started chanting “drinks” over and over again before Jennie dropped the towel on her face and walked towards the kitchen, shaking her head as she went.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae didn’t know if she should be happy or concerned that Lisa hadn’t said anything, but for the moment, she could at least be thankful for the extra time it gave her to come up with an excuse.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>* * *</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The managers had come earlier to pick them up than Chae thought they would leaving her in a mad dash to collect her things before they left for the day. As she threw a few random items into her bag, a soft knock at the door took her attention.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Speaking out to tell whoever to enter, Chae was surprised to see that it was Lisa who had come to see her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With a nervous demeanor compared to her usual confident stride, Lisa came in and shut the door before speaking. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey…” A long pause held Lisa’s words at bay while she tried to think of the right ones, “How are you doing?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The question seemed simple enough, yet also felt so loaded. How exactly was Chae doing? If she were honest, she wasn’t too sure herself, but some part of her, however small, wanted to tell Lisa everything that was exploding in her head just to see her response. She wanted to see what she’d say.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah. I’m doing good.” She settled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Right, um...cause last night…” Lisa once again paused, looking towards Chae to see if this was a topic she was even allowed to bring up. Chae couldn’t find it in herself to ask Lisa to forget about the whole thing. “...last night...did I do something? Something wrong?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae hadn’t been expecting that. It wasn’t that she expected Lisa to condemn her actions or make her feel small for what had occurred. She hadn’t really thought about what she expected of the other girl, but it certainly wasn’t that. Lisa’s questioning made her want to think of a legitimate answer, even if she couldn’t say it all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, <em> no </em>. You did nothing wrong.” She couldn’t think of anything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa nodded for a moment, but didn’t truly seem to accept the answer. It was evident in the way her mouth twitched when Chae had said it and the raise of her eyebrows in momentary disbelief until she’d managed to hide it all away again behind her mask. She was awfully good at that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ok, yeah, cool. That’s good.” It sounded like Lisa wanted to say more, but she held back. Chae could practically see the way her mind jumped through hoops to find anything to say before the other girl's entire demeanor changed, her taking a step closer with the shift. The look on her face was one Chae knew all too well. The realization of what came after already setting anger off in Chae’s stomach like a war drum. “I guess I’m just used to making you cry out in a different way.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae was getting sick of it all. Every single time something genuine was said between them, Lisa just had to follow it with some contrived or thinly veiled remark that made Chae want to push her away so hard that the force would rattle some sense into her. She didn’t understand at all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The anger was too much for Chae to take, but to release it would be a mistake.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A bolstered confidence came over Chae which was only fueled by her rage allowing her mouth to move before her head had time to think, “Yeah, you know, I was just really upset about this person I’m talking to. We had a fight and I shouldn’t have tried to do all that with you when I was thinking about them.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What the <em> fuck </em> did she just say?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae was certain she’d misheard herself. She couldn’t have just said she was talking to someone else, much less thinking about them while she crawled on top of Lisa and...<em> fuck. </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>She almost didn’t want to acknowledge Lisa. What the other girls face might look like worried her, but when she let her anger stop clouding her eyes in a reddish haze and really took in Lisa, the girl just looked back at her with a blank look as though she’d just been told that the Earth was round and not news that should have come as a complete surprise.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Her reaction made Chae want to rub it in a bit just to see.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa’s facade dropped only for a moment and Chae barely caught a look of tempered disappointment before Lisa spoke again. “That sucks that you’re fighting with them. I hope things work out soon.” A smile etched its way onto Lisa’s face with some difficulty, but her expression slowly softened in a show of support. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae wanted to scream at the way she hung on to Lisa’s disappointment, knowing that it only made sense considering how long they’d been entwined in the fiery dance that had become their friendship. At the end of the day, that expression was fleeting just like everything else about them. It was temporary.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae wished it was enough.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, we actually worked it out last night after I left. So I think we’re all good.” Chae wanted to see that look again. If only once more. But nothing came. All that washed onto Lisa’s face was a tight-lipped smile and a nod of approval.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dope, I’m glad to hear it. Anyway, we should probably get going. The others are probably waiting on us.” Lisa spun on her heels and was quick to exit without waiting for a response from Chae.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae couldn’t believe her own stupidity. Wasn’t it enough that she liked a girl who didn’t feel the same? Did she <em> really </em> have to go and make someone up who she also had romantic trouble with. Even her imagination wasn’t opposed to causing problems for her. </p>
<p><br/>Good to know.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Jensoo is real!!!! I really went back and forth between making them a thing before I realized that they're basically just the gay supportive friends who just want their friends to be gay with them. Or gay parents?? I don't know but I love them and I hope everyone else was pleasantly surprised. I was also so excited to write more of Sooyoung in this chapter because her character as a whole is such a joy (pun very much intended) to write for. Anyway, comments are always so appreciated and I reread them so much when I'm struggling to write so for everyone who does leave comments, especially multiple comments, I appreciate you more than I know how to express. Please let me know your thoughts and I'll see you in the next chapter!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Got Nowhere Talking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am posting this way too late my time but anywayyyy. I can't thank everyone enough for the comments and support I received on the last chapter. The kind words of encouragement and love for this story really moved me and motivated me to give my all into this chapter. I can only hope that all I envisioned is conveyed so please enjoy reading.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chae wasn’t sure how long she’d been staring at Jennie, but in that time, Jennie’s face had walked through a multitude of emotion all culminating to a slight discomfort as Chae attempted to formulate a question. The tapping of Jennie’s hands on her knees while she glanced around the room stood as a rough tempo to the thoughts coursing through Chae’s head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie puffed up her cheeks, the time passing obviously starting to unnerve her. “So I’m sure you have questions.” She drew out her last syllable inviting Chae to respond.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re dating Jisoo?” Chae’s responses had been a shock to herself though Jennie remained stoic as her lips rolled into a contemplative line appearing like she’d deemed this question inevitable.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Despite her lack of surprise, Jennie still took a moment to think. While her hesitation suggested some drawn out response, all Chae received in return as Jennie’s eye drifted away once more was a simple, “Yep.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae released a sigh at the feeling of questions pooling in her mind. Just as she’d go to let one out, they’d all bottleneck in her throat rendering her speechless. Chae’s eyes could only scrunch together as she peered at the other girl, desperate for her to understand without Chae having to speak.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It took more time, but Chae finally felt herself being drawn to the conversation she’d had with Jennie only a few days prior. The girl had gone to great lengths to describe her supposed singleness and yet all of that seemed to have been a lie. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Frustrated, Chae spoke, “But you said the other day that you were single.” Chae’s words brought Jennie’s attention back to her only for the shorter girl to ponder over it for a minute, seemingly scrubbing through every word she’d spoken in the past week.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh! The coffee shop.” Chae nodded with a look of disbelief, surprised that Jennie had to think that long, “I never said I was single. I said the managers stay on my ass, which they <em> do </em> , and that sleeping with someone with no strings sounds a hell of a lot easier than putting your feelings out there, which it <em> is </em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae thought about it all for a moment. Looking back at the conversation as Jennie had, the other girl had a point. While Chae had assumed, Jennie never actually said she was single. Maybe it was just easier to think she was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Another thought popped into Chae’s head on the coattails of her last.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But you said <em> ‘a girl has needs’ </em>like you weren’t…” Chae led on allowing Jennie’s eyes to widen before she went to explain herself. “A girl does have needs! Mine….just happen to be filled at the moment.” Her eyes yet again disappeared from Chae’s.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“By Jisoo.” Chae deadpanned.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A whispered <em> ‘By Jisoo’ </em> escaped Jennie’s lips as though she were hoping Chae wouldn’t hear.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae allowed her thoughts to trickle away as she was overcome with new knowledge. All of it made her feel uneasy. On one hand, she was happy for her friends. She’d known them so long and seen them both get their hearts broken in one way or another that she couldn’t be more ecstatic that they’d found comfort in each other. Despite that though, she’d never considered that their relationship was anything more than platonic, but was that really their fault?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why didn’t you just tell me when you brought up Lisa and I?” It was the question Chae had been trying to wrap her mind around since Jisoo had let the big secret slip, and she couldn’t help but feel slighted knowing that her friends hadn’t trusted her with such information.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“To be honest, we were just worried.” Jennie took a breath allowing her words to permeate around her. “We wondered the same thing you know, why you guys hadn’t told us yet, but then you started sleeping less. And I’d find you staring off into space like you’d just seen a ghost or been reminded of something terrible. It scared me, and when I told Jisoo she was scared for you too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae swallowed a sigh that threatened to escape her lips. How could she have been so blind? In her mind, she’d played off things beautifully. She’d kept up appearances and done her job as always. She’d smile when she knew she was supposed to, laugh along at the jokes she was meant to find funny, she assumed she’d been playing a perfect game with those around her to keep them from looking too closely, but she’d been wrong. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fingers itched to raise to Chae’s mouth, biting at them would distract her from the embarrassment starting to form in her gut, but she held back. She stilled herself like so many times before with a hushed breath filling her lungs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie carried on, “I guess I didn’t tell you about Jisoo and I then, because I wanted you to be able to talk. I wanted you to know that someone was willing to listen.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hearing Jennie’s words made Chae’s heart pulse inside her chest just a little harder. Her hands shook at the idea that she really did have people who cared about her so deeply as to extend a hand even if they had to put their own life on the back burner. Sometimes she allowed herself to forget that too easily.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We weren’t trying to lie or hurt you. We were just trying to give it some time. I’m sorry though. It wasn’t fair to push you into talking about Lisa when I hadn’t even told you about Jisoo.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae’s head started shaking in disagreement as she lunged forward to pull Jennie into a hug. It was awkward in their seated positions, but Jennie wasted no time in hugging Chae back. A calmness settled around them letting Chae know that everything was going to be alright. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Pulling away, Chae felt her eyes begin to tear up. She could only shake her head to rid herself of the unnecessary distraction. “Ok well now I want to know everything. How long have you guys been together and how did you tell Jisoo you liked her and did Kai know and–” Chae was cut off by Jennie laughing realizing that she’d been rapid firing questions without giving the other girl a chance to answer.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ok, chill. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. It’s only fair.” Jennie spoke through her usual gummy smile and Chae could see the way her eyes lit up at the mention of talking about Jisoo. She almost wanted to chide herself for not noticing sooner, having been too wrapped up in her own world to see that two of her closest friends were experiencing so much on their own. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“As far as how long we’ve been together,” Jennie started counting on her fingers before giving up, “it’s been a while. I actually liked her before I was with Kai and broke up with him after telling her how I felt.” Chae listened with ears perked on every word. It was like she was being told the plot to a new show and not a reality that had been happening right in front of her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jennie easily continued, her excitement increasing with every word. “So we’ve been together since a few months after I broke up with Kai. Jisoo didn’t want to rush things and be a rebound no matter how much I assured her she wouldn’t be. But we’ve been together ever since and it’s been really nice.” Jennie’s lips spread in a warm smile as a shimmer appeared in her eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae continued to ask questions about her friend’s relationship and Jennie answered with enthusiasm as though this were her first time telling anyone. Chae wondered if that might be true. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo’s name left Jennie’s lips stained in appreciation, an obvious sign of the years they’d spent prior to being together, but Chae hung on the emotion mingled between. The warmth mixed with care, longing not filled with pain, love not littered with hurt, all of it made Chae start to feel like she was experiencing the warmth of the sun after a harsh winter. She felt the heat of Jennie’s words ripple on her skin and kiss the parts of her that still stung from the numerous stumbles she’d taken as of late.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She wanted to bask in that light forever, but it slowly shifted, a cloud to cover a once glistening sun, as the feeling turned sinister. It knotted her insides with a green-eyed monster before washing her away in a storm of black.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In that darkness stood a singular light, one perched up high on a pedestal as it laughed and sung in the comforts of a messy dorm room. Spinning in wistful delight, unperturbed by the sun creeping in through the window signaling that it’d neglected sleep for the night. As Chae watched, that <em> ‘it’ </em> started to resemble a <em> ‘she’ </em> , the same <em> ‘she’ </em> that left unspoken thoughts written like graffiti on the insides of Chae chest, her soul a brick wall for words she dared not say.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The light disappeared all at once and Chae was brought back to Jennie, still speaking on her and Jisoo’s first date despite Chae’s ears having long been shut to the sounds around her. If not for the look it would garner, Chae would’ve shaken herself just to release the grip Lisa had managed to place on her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae knew that wouldn’t be enough forever though.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It took effort, but Chae managed to pick out enough words to follow Jennie’s story. She was thankful that Jennie’s own excitement kept her from noticing how distant Chae had become. After some time, Lisa and Jisoo entered the practice room Chae and Jennie had been occupying, food in hand with Jisoo complaining that Lisa hadn’t allowed her to get anything greasy. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae watched Jennie coo at Jisoo while her eyes noticed the way Jisoo visibly relaxed to the sound of Jennie’s voice. Jisoo would lean into Jennie as they walked together, careful to have a hand or an arm brushing against that of the other girl no matter what. Even when they sat down, slowly forming a circle with Chae, she could see that they were more interested in throwing glances at one another than the food they were sorting between them all. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa sitting beside Chae and not so much as breathing in her direction stood out more when paired with her love stricken friends.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was pathetic, Chae knew it, but try as she might to be happy for them, all she could think about was how much she wanted what they had. It made her feel cruel knowing that she couldn’t take her mind off herself even under such circumstances. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Slowly, her thoughts became so muddled together that they felt like nothing at all. They were just a weight resting on her shoulder, one she’d grown accustomed to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With every bite, her food tasted worse until it began to be void of taste altogether. Chae felt as though she were only watching herself somewhere high above, unable to truly interact with the world around her. Occasionally she’d catch wind of the conversation. Something about what dances were their favorites or what moves they needed to practice more, words about recent dramas or movies fluttered by and yet Chae remained locked in the prison of her own creation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thoughts of the night before filtered in and Sooyoung came to mind, kissing her and feeling nothing just as she was right now. She drank and felt little, she danced and felt less, perhaps she’d emptied herself too completely.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then a rush of feeling came in as she remembered Lisa’s face at the news of her seeing someone else. The way it felt like Lisa was holding back in so many ways with those lips of hers just itching to say something but letting nothing loose. Everytime she let herself think on it though, Lisa’s approval slithered in, beckoning her to think herself into misery. She couldn’t help but oblige. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa had nodded. It was a curt nod, but a nod nonetheless wailing at Chaeyoung that the idea of her with someone else was nothing more than passing information to Lisa. It wasn’t the gut-wrencher that it would have been for Chae had rolls been reversed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At some point, food had been pushed to the side and practice started up in full swing. Chae went through the motions but every time her brain told her limbs to move, they hesitated as though her actions had to sift through her thoughts before being carried out. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She caught Jennie throwing a questioning gaze over her shoulder, but couldn’t think enough to follow it with any sort of response. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ok, stop!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>A voice cut in and Chae managed to look in the direction of the speaker after a few moments. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Looking on, Chae saw Lisa’s face painted in frustration, brow furrowed and hand on hip as she stared daggers into Chae. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What’s going on Rosie? You’re a beat behind and you’re throwing everyone off. Need us to slow down or something?” Lisa’s words were anything but accommodating and told Chae that if she did ask for them to slow down she’d be met with nothing but anger.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Instead, she shook her head before getting into position for the next chorus section. Lisa rolled her eyes but followed, leaving Jennie and Jisoo to share an uncomfortable look that Chae didn’t care to question as she attempted to focus.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The chorus began and Chae managed to hang on in time with the music for a while before she began to lose count again. Her mind instead lingered on Lisa’s anger from moments before. She wished she’d have seen that anger when Lisa found out she was talking to someone else. Chae wanted to watch as rage erupted across Lisa’s face and poured out around her to swallow up everything it could touch. Chae wanted Lisa to scream out that she couldn’t stand the thought of her being with someone else. She wanted anything other than what she’d received.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The nothingness of it, in its muntanity, was a torture all its own.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That wasn’t the only moment on her mind though. Chae allowed herself to drift into the night before, before the alcohol and whimsy of colored lighting and sparked air, when she was staring down at Lisa while Lisa stared back with an expression Chae couldn’t define. The soft pittering of her tears onto the other girls cheeks left Lisa’s eyes to soften in ways that made Chae want to cup her face and assure her everything was alright despite her being the one who was crying. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She remembered the way Lisa’s hand had reached outward, but she’d brushed it aside before it was able to make the distance. What would it have felt like to have Lisa brush away her tears? Was that even what she was planning to do?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Questions began to flow into Chae’s mind as she allowed herself to pull harder on the string that threatened to unravel her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa hadn’t pushed her away or moved out of reach, she’d come just close enough for Chae to let her in yet Chae ran away. What would have happened had she stayed?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> What would have happened had she stayed? </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A scratched record holding that phrase played over and over again in Chae’s mind until she couldn’t even hear the music she was supposed to be dancing to anymore. It was such a simple question, so simple that Chae hadn’t really thought to consider it while she’d been pouring out the parts of herself she didn’t like.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Her cup ran over as the parts she’d tried to get rid of began to fill in their vacated spaces. This time they dug in roots as if telling Chae that they wouldn’t be so easily removed again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Seriously Rosie! Get on beat or waste someone else’s time.” Lisa’s voice pilfered through again and Chae noticed that she was barely putting any power into her steps as she glanced over herself in the mirror. The other girls seemed to be two moves ahead at any moment and Chae just barely managed to stumble into the right section of the song as she tried to commit to practicing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It didn’t take long before she was lost again. If she didn’t know any better, she’d assume she was being sabotaged by some higher being, unwilling to let her move forward as it chained her down. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was no higher being doing this to her though. It was only herself. With every step forward she took ten back. She’d proven that to herself last night. Despite making the decision yet again to be the friend with benefits she’d initially signed up for, she allowed herself to be pulled right back by Lisa’s fingers dancing across her stomach. What was worse was that Lisa hadn’t even moved intentionally. She’d merely been acting on instinct as she always did. There was no changing that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chaeyoung knew that and let herself get carried away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Realizing that the formation for the dance was changing, Chae rushed to keep pace and began to move to her next location only to find herself slamming into something leaving her shocked enough to glance around frantically at what she’d done.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae watched as Lisa fell to the ground, bouncing slightly before she slid across the floor, a jarring screech sounding from the rubber of her shoe attempting to slow her down. She stayed motionless on the ground for a while, only moving to grab at the shoulder she’d fallen on once she’d taken in what had happened. Pain was noticeable on her face as she squeezed at her skin before her eyes met Chae’s and her face morphed into a venomous glare.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With one rush upwards from the ground, Lisa was bounding in Chae’s direction. Hands quickly found Chae’s shirt as Lisa pulled the other girl into herself, the hot air of her breathing rushing across Chae’s face before she felt herself being shoved backwards with near as much force as she’d hit Lisa with.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae barely managed to catch herself seeing Jennie and Jisoo in shock at the sudden outburst before Lisa started yelling. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What the <em> fuck </em> is your problem?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I–I’m sorry–I” Chae stumbled over her words, giving Lisa the best apologetic look she could before the girl started screaming over her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No seriously! What’s wrong with you? You’re completely off beat, you don’t even look like you’re <em> trying </em> to dance, and then you run into me? Where’s your head at?” Lisa was getting angrier with every word she spoke, each word better fueling the inferno coming from her and Chae felt that she might get burnt being this close.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo, seeing Lisa take steps towards Chae again, tried to speak out. “Lisa, it’s not that big of a deal. She’s just tired.” Lisa caught Jisoo’s words before flinging her head in the shorter girl’s direction. Jisoo noticeably stepped back seeing the other girl approach her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Tired? We’re all tired!” Jisoo didn’t contest her this time, instead allowing Lisa’s attention to return to Chae as her words became more animated and she started speaking with her hands. “Maybe if you could get your head out of your ass or the clouds or wherever else it is, we could have a decent practice!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The words Chae wanted to say stuttered in her throat, unwilling to interrupt Lisa because she couldn’t help but agree with her. She knew she’d been distracted and her bandmates had every right to be mad. Even as everything in her urged her to release all the pent up emotion she was carrying, she did her best to keep things at bay. She could let this blow over.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh wait <em> I’m sorry </em> ,” Lisa’s words came out with a mocking jest, “you’re having relationship troubles, right?” Chae could hear that she was being chastised. Despite knowing that she’d caused this, she could feel herself on the edge of erupting right back at Lisa. “Who <em> cares </em>? You think you get a free pass because you’re upset about something? Well cry me a river because you’re not special to someone just because you slept with them.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa’s words echoed. A fog light had been switched on with its incessant buzzing as it pointed out what Chae didn’t want to hear, didn’t want to see so shamelessly underlined and bolded in Lisa’s tone. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘You’re not special to me. Didn’t you realize that by now?’ </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The words rumbled like a growl in Chae’s ears and despite being in her own head, they played in Lisa’s voice. Parroting from one end of her mind to the other, the words ricoteched and got louder and louder as Chae listened on. All she wanted to do was silence them but her pleas couldn’t be heard over their bellowing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She had to speak. She had to release all that was building up in her from the way her fingers curled into fists, crescent shapes surely imprinting on her palms, and the way her breathing became all too steady as though her body were preparing her for something she hadn’t decided to do yet.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae just wanted to cut as deeply as Lisa had. She wanted to hurt as best she could. She wanted to pull the trigger holding her anger back like a loaded gun and watch it surge outwards and hit Lisa with all the force threatening to rip Chae in two.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It wasn’t just for that moment, but all the anger she’d carried for days, weeks, months. Everything she’d tried to get rid of through alcohol and friends came rushing in with reminders of Lisa holding Jennie’s hand, Lisa’s fingers creeping up her thigh in the park, Lisa as she stared directly into those <em> stupid </em> cameras like she knew Chae would see. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She wanted to see Lisa crumble like she had been all this time. Even if she had to lie, she wanted it to hurt, if even just for a moment.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You would know wouldn’t you, Lisa? All you <em> do </em> is sleep around. Who <em> exactly </em> are you special to?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It took seconds for Chaeyoung to regret what she said.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She’d told herself she wanted to see pain written all over Lisa’s face. She told herself that to cut so deeply was merely retribution for what she’d been feeling herself, it was fair. She wanted to see something cross the other girl’s face that wasn’t acceptance or indifference.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What she did see was a look of more than pain, more than a cut or a sting could leave. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lisa’s face stared back at her, her features drained of any anger she’d once held and replaced by lowered brows and frowned lips. Her eyes shook as they were glazed over in a certain restrained agony. Chae had seen it in the mirror too many times to not recognize it on the face of another.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae’s body felt like it’d been doused in cold water as she registered what she’d done. Instinctively, she took a step forward, mouth opening to release an apology she didn’t even know how to form.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As if recoiling from Chae’s very presence, Lisa stepped back the same distance that Chae moved. Despite them being no further apart, Chae could already feel a deep divide sinking between them as though they were teleported to different sides of the world with no hope of ever making it back to one another.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They stared at one another a while longer. Chae was uncertain of who would have the nerve to speak first. She was almost relieved when she watched Lisa steel herself for some form of response. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em> Wow </em>. Slut shaming. Way to go Ro, that’s a great look on you.” Lisa’s voice cracked on her final words, her eyes beginning to brim with tears she quickly hid with a turn as she began making her way towards the exit. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae’s guilt draped over her before tightening its hold in the knowledge that she was the cause of those tears.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Lisa.” Jennie called after her only to be ignored by the taller girl as she walked out the door. Giving Chae a disappointed look as she ran off, Chae knew that even Jennie wasn’t pleased with what she’d said.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae looked down at her palms to see those crescent shaped indents she’d imagined. They stood as unsettling reminders of what she’d done and she found herself nervously wiping at her hands in an attempt to get rid of them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was no absolving her of this though.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo was the one who broke the tension left in the room. A subtle cough and shuffling sounds rang out as Jisoo dropped to sit on the floor, looking up at Chae expectantly to follow. Not knowing what to do with her body, Chae shakily sat but couldn’t seem to meet eyes with the older girl.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nope not happening.” Chae could hear as Jisoo shook her head without taking her eyes off her, “You don’t get to say stuff like that and then not look me in the eye. You want to act all big and bad, then keep acting.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae peered upward and was met by Jisoo’s unamused gaze. She’d seen such a face plenty of times before, usually when she’d done something wrong and messed up during a practice or a presentation, but the residual dread it churned up made Chae want to look away once more. She sensed that Jisoo wouldn’t tolerate such behavior though.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Care to explain what that was about?” Jisoo’s words were decidedly unforgiving.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t know what to say.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae really didn’t. All her anger had settled and guilt wasn’t inspiring words to come together. She could only sit and wait for whatever scolding she felt she was heading for.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo just sighed and went to pinch the bridge of her nose. “You know, we’re all too old for me to lecture you.” As if reading her mind, Jisoo spoke out, Chae still willing herself to maintain eye contact. “If you don’t feel bad for what you just did, I don’t think all the lecturing in the world could change that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae’s face burned with heat caused by guilt. Her legs bounced uncomfortably against the floor beneath her while her hands stayed locked in a vice grip on one another. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo inhaled deeply and her words started again. “And I get that you and Lisa’s relationship is kind of awful right now, but I never thought I’d have to remind you that she’s your <em> friend. </em>” Jisoo waited for Chae to chime in, but seeing her make no attempt, Jisoo continued, “She was your friend way before all of this started and I assume you want her to be your friend when everything is said and done. What you just said though, I would hope you wouldn’t say that to your worst enemy.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae’s heart raced as she allowed Jisoo’s words to swirl in her mind. If the guilt hadn’t rid her of all her bottled up emotions, Jisoo certainly had as she allowed the word <em> ‘friend’ </em> to rest peacefully in her chest. The <em> ‘benefits’ </em> part had consumed so much of her mind recently that it was hard to remember Lisa as anything more. It was stupid when she actually thought on it. She’d been consistently reminded as of late of memories filled with Lisa as they built their friendship from bare bones to something greater, yet she’d ignored it all as some cruel twist of fate in showing her of all she wanted to regain.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seeing Lisa’s face and listening to Jisoo, she was starting to think that she hadn’t lost it in the first place, at least before minutes prior.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Honestly,” Jisoo’s words were drenched in exasperation, “where did that even come from?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo’s words invited an explanation Chae was almost embarrassed to give now that she’d had time to think. Feeling that she owed someone her reasoning though, she persisted. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>With one grand breath in, “I told Lisa that I’ve been talking to someone else and that I saw them on the night I was with you guys at the party and she just accepted it. She didn’t even care.” Chae took a moment to let Jisoo hear her words, releasing only then that she’d rushed through them. Jisoo only nodded for her to continue. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it and then I started thinking about all this other stuff and Lisa started yelling and she said–” Chae couldn’t bring herself to repeat it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She worried it might inspire the same rage that had gotten her into this mess.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I guess I just wanted Lisa to care, to be hurt, for just a moment.” Chae’s voice teetered off to a whisper as she admitted what she was most ashamed of.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo nodded again before moving to rest on her hands, her eyes closing as she leaned her head back to speak, “Mission accomplished, I’d say.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae sighed as she buried her head in her hands, unable to deal any longer with the weight of her own actions.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She stayed like that for a while in the silence of the dance studio before she felt eyes staring at her once more. Peaking above her fingertips, she saw Jisoo waiting patiently.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s not a bad idea, you know.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae stared back in confusion as she removed her hands from her face. Her head instinctively cocked to the side as she tried to catch on to what Jisoo was saying.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Finding someone else I mean. It’s not a bad idea.” Chae almost scoffed at the idea, remembering how she hadn’t even been able to pull her thoughts away from Lisa while her lips had moved against Sooyoung’s.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Reading her mind again, Jisoo spoke, “It doesn’t have to be real. You can fake it. Maybe at some point you’ll start liking them or you’ll move on to someone else.” Chae hung on Jisoo’s words as if she were speaking a foreign language. “I think the point is just that you <em> try </em> to move on.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chae’s heart sank at Jisoo’s words. It was a thought she’d yet to allow into her mind. Despite her back and forth on her role in Lisa’s life, she hadn’t wanted to consider the most difficult alternative. Simply returning to Lisa as a friend with nothing more, she wasn’t sure if she could manage that. Even faking it might not be enough to rip her away from the wet blanket of emotion she’d wrapped herself in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know I love you Chae, and I love Lisa too. That’s why I think the only way you two can keep being friends is if you cut out what’s constantly driving you apart. You’re not being fair to yourself, and taking it out on Lisa isn’t any better.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jisoo looked away, glancing over at the door that Lisa had walked out of before her eyes narrowed on the ground. Chae instantly felt nervous without the other girl’s eyes linked to hers.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A soft hum sound from Jisoo before she looked back to Chae, eyes filled with pity but also firmness. “Sometimes, it’s better to let things go while they still have some good left in them.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I went back and forth a lot of what should be included in this chapter, worrying mostly that the dialogue wouldn't carry the weight I was hoping for, but I quite like how it turned out overall. I'm really curious to see how all of you feel about Chaelisa's fight now that we've seen a little more of how things are on Lisa's side. Please let me know what you think in the comments and I hope everyone looks forward to the upcoming chapters. I have a feeling that things are going to feel like a whirlwind from here on out if they haven't already and I'm hoping everyone is excited for the ride. Thanks so much again for all the positive feedback. I know I've said it before, but it means the absolute world to me knowing that people enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it and are as invested in these characters as I am. So please tell me you thoughts on everyone and everything! Anyway, thanks so much for reading and see you next time.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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